Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz
ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE SAN PEDRO
P-Noy called for a closed-door meeting of his inner circle consisting of his three “shooting buddies,” Rico E. Puno, Ronnie Llamas, and Virgie Torres. The meeting goes like this:
P-Noy: Sorry I had to call for this meeting on a short notice, mga kapuso at mga kapamilya.
Rico: No problemo, Noy.
Ronnie: Okey lang, Noynoy.
Virgie: Basta ikaw, P-Noy.
P-Noy: Very good! The reason I’m calling this meeting is that I have a problem with our Chinese friends.
Rico: Which ones? Lucio Tan, Henry Sy or Ramon Ang?
P-Noy: None of those. It’s the Mainland Chinese and the offshore Chinese.
Virgie: Whoa! How’d you get into trouble with them, P-Noy!
Ronnie: I can help you with the mainlanders, Noynoy.
P-Noy: I know you can, Ronnie. With your leftist connections you should be able to help. And Virgie, with all your contacts at LTO, you can help with the Taiwanese.
Rico: How about me, Noy?
P-Noy: Rico, with your recent FBI training in Quantico, New York, I have a special assignment for you. But let me talk about China first. As you all know, I sent vice president Jojo Binay to China to plead clemency for the lives of three Pinoy “drug mules” that were to be executed. Jojo did a great job! We got a “flash report” through text, which says: “VP Binay saves OFWs from death row in China. Within hours after arrival in China, VP Jojo Binay reached an accord with Chinese government not to execute convicted OFWs and to conduct review of their cases. Binay argued that these Filipinos are themselves victims of drug syndicates. Mabuhay si Binay! Mabuhay ang ating mga OFW!”
Ronnie: That’s good news!
P-Noy: Well, the bad news is… the Chinese want Spratly in exchange for the “drug mules.”
Rico: No way! Just let the Chinese hang those “drug mules,” Noy! Why give up Spratly for three drug traffickers. It’s sending the wrong message to our people.
P-Noy: I agree, Rico. But the problem is that before Jojo went to China our Ambassador to China Francisco Benedicto – unbeknownst to me – indicated in a meeting with high Chinese officials that the Philippines was willing to drop the Spratly islands in exchange for the freedom of the Pinoy “drug mules.” Now that China has stayed the execution, they want us to honor what Benedicto promised them – drop the Spratlys!
Virgie: But they’re just staying the execution! That means they’re just postponing it for another day… maybe in week or so.
P-Noy: Are you suggesting that we should ask the Chinese to commute their sentences?
Ronnie: If they commute their sentences, the Pinoy “drug mules” would still be in a prison in China… maybe for life!
P-Noy: Well, maybe we should ask for clemency and their freedom. Then they can come home… as heroes! We’ll give them heroes’ welcome like what we gave Pacquiao!
Virgie: Huh? Heroes?
Rico: Hey, Good thinking, Noy! I’m for that. Let’s give them a heroes’ welcome at the Araneta Coliseum.
Ronnie: Whoa! Hold it! Hold it! Are you going to exchange the Spratlys for the freedom of three drug traffickers and then welcome them home as heroes?
P-Noy: Every Pinoy’s life is important to me, Ronnie.
Vickie: But P-Noy, the Spratly is part of our patrimony. It’s priceless. Also, it has fossil oil deposits larger than the whole Middle East. That’s why China wants the Spratly archipelago for them.
P-Noy: Maybe we should ask my “Chief Troubleshooter,” Mar Roxas, to go to China and renegotiate their death sentences. Say, we give them the Scarborough Shoal in lieu of the Spratlys. It’s smaller than the Spratlys and it’s closer to China.
Ronnie: But Taiwan is also claiming Scarborough, Noynoy. Besides, Mar just got back from Taiwan. The Taiwanese President was mad at him for not apologizing for the boo-boo we made in deporting 14 Taiwanese criminals to China instead of to Taiwan. I don’t think Mar would be willing to go to China this time.
P-Noy: I’ve been thinking. The three of you are my “shooting buddies.” Can I ask the three of you to go to China and negotiate the release of the three Pinoy “drug mules” and the 14 Taiwanese criminals as well?
Rico: Huh? And what would we give China in return, Noy?
P-Noy: I’ve been thinking. If we can’t exchange them for the Spratlys or the Scarborough Shoal, what can we give them?
Virgie: Can I say something, P-Noy?
P-Noy: Sure, go ahead, Virgie.
Virgie: Forget about the Spratlys and Scarborough Shoal. They’re not negotiable. Otherwise, you’ll have EDSA 4 coming down on you, Mr. President.
P-Noy: EDSA 4? Huh? What happened to EDSA 25?
Ronnie: Ay naku, naloko na. Noynoy, I think you should go to sleep now. You look exhausted. You need to rest, Noynoy.
P-Noy: I’m okay; I’ll just spend a few hours more with my XBOX 360. He he he… I’ll talk to Congressman Pacquiao tomorrow. I’ll send him to China. He might be able to talk to the Chinese president like he did to Obama. Good night.
Rico: Are you sure you’re not going to take your girlfriend for a joy ride in your Porsche?
P-Noy: I just might do that. Depends on how long I’m going to be with my XBOX 360. That’s my priority right now. He he he…
Virgie, Rico, and Ronnie: Good night, Mr. President.
# # #
NOTE: The “meeting” is fictional and does not represent actual events. However, the “flash report” and all the characters are real.
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