Impeachment odds and ends

Sounding Board
Impeachment odds and ends
By Fr. Joaquin G. Bernas S.J.

Beating a dead horse

Monday last week, the much-awaited presentation of the defense began. The public, I believe, expected a possible dramatic beginning but nothing of that sort happened. Instead the chief defense counsel spent much time in what eventually turned out to be a case of beating a dead horse. He insisted that due process should have characterized the formulation and submission of the articles of impeachment but that no such due process was observed. Never mind that the 26 days that preceded his argument had provided every opportunity for due process in the Senate.

Whether or not there was due process in the House will need proof. The problem, however, is that trying to prove absence of due process will have to cope with one of what I would call the “facts of life” that are accepted in House proceedings particularly in the preparation of the records of Congress. According to jurisprudence, when there is conflict between, on the one hand, what is found in the records and, on the other, some extraneous evidence such as oral testimony or newspaper reports, what is stated in the records is accepted as truth unless it is reprobated by the House itself. In the current case, the record of the House on this matter says that all 188 members who signed the impeachment complaint appeared one by one before the House secretary general and swore in writing that they had read the complaint and considered its contents as true. The Speaker himself, instead of reprobating it, has affirmed its correctness. That should be the end of it, no matter what the non-signers of the articles of impeachment might say. But that would not be the end of due process because due process should also characterize the Senate trial.

Sidelight about me

An interesting sidelight for me are media reports that I declined to testify in the Corona trial. The report is not entirely accurate because nobody asked me to testify. I only saw my name listed as witness for the defense in media reports. In fact, one of the senior lawyers for the defense told me that they put my name on the list only when they were required to present a list of witnesses. A formality, in other words.

If invited, however, whether for or against, will I testify? My clear preference would be “No.” I prefer being free to write legal opinions which can be for or against either side of the impeachment debate. Testifying as witness for the defense would tag me as being only for the defense. In fact, my views on what are happening in the impeachment trial may be found in my Inquirer Monday columns and in my JGBernasSJBlogs. Some of them do not make everybody happy on either side of the political divide.

Discipline in the House

I am sure people are now wondering what the future of Rep. Toby Tiangco will be after his testimony about the circumstances surrounding the formulation of the articles of impeachment. Will he be disciplined by the House?

Let me just say that the House has the power to suspend or expel a member for “disorderly behavior.” Disorderly behavior is not defined in the Constitution. The House alone determines what behavior can be considered disorderly. The vote needed to suspend or expel a member is two-thirds of all the members.

Was the behavior of Representative Tiangco disorderly? Your guess of what the House members might think is as good as mine.

Lessons from the ongoing proceedings

Listening to the impeachment proceedings last week and the questioning and cross-examination about the contents of the SALN declaration made by Chief Justice Renato Corona, I came to the conclusion that, if you really want to play it safe, you need the help of a lawyer and an accountant to fill out the form. Or, as one retired public official familiar with both the old and the new SALN law said, those entering public service for the first time now should undergo a seminar on how to accomplish the SALN report! Better yet, let all the confusing requirements be simplified.

Another thing I have learned is that members of the judiciary and of related public offices do not do very badly at all in terms of what they get from government for their work. It may also be noted that, although allowances are given (and, surprise, surprise, rather generously) for official purposes, the law does not require strict accounting for what they receive as allowances. I am speaking, of course, of the higher levels of the judiciary and related offices such as the electoral tribunals. I am not sure if what the public is seeing in the impeachment process will encourage more people to join the lower levels of the judiciary where there are many courts which have remained vacant.

It won't be fun if...

CTALK
It won't be fun if...
By Cito Beltran

Tourism won’t be “More fun in the Philippines” unless we concentrate on the products and educating our people, before we spend time and money on promotions.

After several out of town trips, I have no doubt that we have a long way to go beyond, slogans and Internet hype. After the initial success of the Department of Tourism in masterminding a catchy slogan, reality now bites.

To better understand this, the officials at the Department of Tourism, DTI and DOTC should undergo a training module with Anthony Pangilinan regarding customer relations and “Blue Ocean strategy”.

I went through such a training program courtesy of Anthony and the biggest take away I had in the program was the lesson: Experience your customers pain. In simple terms not even a wizard at marketing and promotions can solve the problems unless he himself experiences the “pain” that customers go through.

For our study group we started out with the problem: how to better sell an electric iron. To figure that out we acted as people intending to buy an iron at the biggest shopping center in town. First “pain” was finding where the irons were because there were no sign. The second pain was the “embarrassment” of asking for directions, the next “pain”, figuring out the features and trying to now how prices were determined.

Just as we were about to make a choice, we learned there were several other “dedicated” display areas. So now we had to choose based on features, price, and what the sales promo clerks were telling us.

It was a confusing 30 minutes because now we had to figure out what was the ideal iron based on the different buyers and different users. Until we went out to actually experience the “pain” of buyers, all of us assumed that “need” and disposable income determined how irons were bought or sold. It was not that simple and it was not painless for many buyers who were confused, embarrassed or felt harassed by promo clerks.

So just imagine what the typical “Turistang Kanin” or traditional Filipino tourists feels on the road or on a trip.

What I would add as a lesson is: Never create solutions or policies based simply on your lifestyle or economic status.

The fact of the matter is that most policy makers in government are of cabinet level or assistant secretaries or under secretaries. Given their rank and stature they are always given the VIP as in Very Important Person status. So they never really experience the “pain” of travelling by bus, boat or RORO regularly.

They never experience the “pain” of would be tourists who can’t find telephone numbers or websites that posts reliable information on prices, facilities or even schedules because their alalays send messengers. VIPs don’t experience sitting in passenger terminals where there are barely any electric fans to relieve Pinoy travellers from the heat, cramped space and seats, or the harassment from vendors who board air-con or regular buses, thereby increasing the possibility of hold-ups or theft from the unsuspecting.

VIPs also don’t realize the hassle of not being able to buy or book your return trip also in advance from Manila or vice versa because you are required to book in person. We had to cut our trip short because when we arrived at our latest destination last Friday, we learned all the return trips to Manila were fully booked except for a morning trip. So next time we have to bother a friend to drive to the local bus terminal to buy ahead for us!

Aside from going through the “pain” of tourists the DOT and DTI people should prioritize “product” enhancement before promotions because our destinations have problems.

First of all many of our tourist destinations are filthy! Whether you go to Old Manila or the City of Pines; Baguio City, I’m sorry to report that littering if not outright garbage is highly visible. Last Saturday I was once again in the summer capital of the Philippines where I spoke at the District Conference of Rotary Club district 3770.

Just before my scheduled talk, I decided to squeeze in an early morning walk around the old Camp John Hay and I was surprised to find several instances of “group littering” where people obviously parked their cars or vans, had a snack and simply threw their garbage along the road.

Visitors who are familiar with the glory days of Camp John Hay will be absolutely dismayed at the poor upkeep of cottages and attractions particularly in the historical core area where markers, statues have all faded or are laden with moss and stain.

Whoever is running the place obviously finds no value in putting up signs concerning personal discipline such as “No Littering”. Instead they place signs about entrance fees and the fact that you have to pay P1,000 for 4 hours of Photography. On the extreme side of this a souvenir shop at the Mile-Hi area posted: No Photography please!

In all my travels abroad, I know that only museums and some aquarium parks prohibit photography for security or safety of animals, but I certainly have not heard of tourist attractions charging P1,000 to take pictures therein or shops banning passerby’s from posing in front of their stores or with their products. Haven’t they heard of global promotion!

I know there are many good destinations and good things to talk about that makes it “More Fun in the Philippines”, but if the DOT, DOTC and the DTI can’t fix basic problems that affect regular tourists, then travelling in our country is only “More Fun for the VIPs and the rich in the Philippines”.

* * *

Email: Utalk2ctalk@gmail.com

Metro traffic system needs thorough overhaul

As I See It
Metro traffic system needs thorough overhaul
By Neal H. Cruz

“It was a strike,” said the government of the protest walkout of jeepney drivers last week.

“No, it was a caravan,” said the drivers. Strike? Caravan? Either way, the jeepney drivers’ and operators’ associations violated provisions of their franchises. They did not serve the public.

“But we have the right to protest,” say the drivers.

Yes you have, but don’t forget the public you have sworn to serve.

With these periodic strikes, the jeepney associations are actually using the riding public as hostages. You don’t give us what we are asking for, the people wouldn’t be able to go anywhere, they warn. And many times in the past, the government, afraid of the backlash from the riding public, backs down and surrenders. And the jeepney associations have gotten used to this—of the government surrendering—and threaten a strike at the drop of a hat.

It is also one way the leaders can strengthen their hold on the rank and file. Also, don’t forget that for every peso increase in the pay of the members of a labor union or association, the officers, and especially the labor lawyers, get a percentage of the whole bonanza. If the total salary increase for members of a labor union is P20 million, for example, just 10 percent of that is P2 million and this goes to the lawyers. Now you understand why unions, and especially their lawyers, threaten strikes so often. I suspect the same is true with jeepney associations.

And that is the reason why passenger fares in jeepneys and buses have gotten way above in proportion to the rise in the cost of fuel. In the past, the Land Transportation Franchising and Regulatory Board (LTFRB) was headed by somebody who was afraid of strikes and readily surrendered to the fare hike demands of the jeepney associations. There were no strikes during his term, yes, but the fares skyrocketed way above what was necessary.

In fact, I think the jeepneys, and especially the buses, are overcharging their passengers until now. Why am I saying this?

Use your common sense. If you stand anywhere along Edsa even during rush hours, you will see all those half-empty buses lined up along the avenue. If these buses were not overcharging their passengers, they would be out of business by now. But there they are, plying Edsa day after day, half-empty, wasting gas and oil and polluting the environment.

If the bus companies were losing the income from all those empty seats, they would have given up by now, that is, left Edsa and moved to another more profitable route.

But many bus companies all want to ply Edsa, contributing to the traffic congestion and air pollution there. Some of them operate as colorums, thus breaking the law. Even the provincial buses operate as colorum city buses. Why?

Obviously, there is richer picking there. Meanwhile, in the provinces, transportation vehicles are so few that people have to wait for hours before getting a ride to town. Why don’t the excess buses in the cities go to the provinces where they are needed? Why doesn’t the LTFRB shift the franchises of the excess city buses to the provinces where they are badly needed? Laziness, lack of common sense, or just plain corruption?

Why would the bus companies operate in the city where their buses run half-empty rather than in the provinces where they are urgently needed?

And where are they getting the money to pay for all the vacant seats? Where else but from the few passengers on board whom they are overcharging. Yes, the few passengers are paying for all the empty seats. And yet the bus association has the temerity to ask for another fare increase.

The traffic situation in Metro Manila is getting worse every day. Color coding, truck bans, rerouting and one-way streets, all these have not worked. Even the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA) has run out of gimmicks. So what can still be done?

As I see it, it requires no less than a thorough overhauling of the Metro Manila transportation system. Move people, not vehicles. We don’t have enough money to build new roads, elevated or not, through the cities to accommodate all the new vehicles joining the melee every day.

MMDA made things worse by allowing provincial buses to load/unload passengers on city streets, even allowing the spaces under some flyovers to be used by them as terminals. Bad move. What is needed is to reduce the number of vehicles in the cities, not add to them, which the entry of provincial buses has done.

So the first thing we can do, without spending a single peso, is to limit provincial buses out of city limits. Have bus terminals at the boundary of Muntinlupa in the south and at the boundary of Valenzuela in the north. There are more than enough city buses to take passengers to the inner cities.

The bad luck of Metro Manila is that it lies in the center of the route from north to south. People and cargo that have to be transported from north to south and vice versa have to pass through Metro Manila even if they don’t want to, adding to the traffic congestion there.

One solution is to strengthen and develop the railroad system around Metro Manila. Increase the trips of the commuter trains; they don’t add to the congestion. PNR trains can be used to transport cargo from north to south and vice versa around Metro Manila, not through it. That should reduce the number of trucks and truck-trailers plying city streets.

And instead of building an elevated highway from Quezon City to Makati, which will worsen traffic in these two cities, use the money to build a highway around Laguna Lake to serve as a bypass through Metro Manila, thus reducing traffic going through there.

Then make maximum use of our rivers and seaways for transportation.

Road out of Damascus

Editorial

The killing of Filipina domestic helper Meran Prieia Montezor in Homs, Western Syria has increased the pressure on Philippine authorities to evacuate Filipinos as Syria plunges further into chaos and disintegration. The Department of Foreign Affairs has just confirmed that Montezor, 23, of Camarines Sur, was killed in an ambush by “armed gangs” on Feb. 24 in Homs while riding in a vehicle with her employer’s family. Two days earlier, on Feb. 22, another Filipina died of renal failure while waiting for her flight back to the Philippines. The fact that it took some time for the DFA and Philippine labor welfare officers in the Middle East to confirm the Homs incident that took place a month ago should underscore the difficulty of coordinating official Philippine response to the emergency in Syria, where there are some 10,000 documented Filipino workers. The death of Montezor in particular underscores the urgency for Philippine officials to fast-track contingencies in order to evacuate Filipinos amid the fast-developing humanitarian crisis in Syria.

As of early this month, some 1,000 Filipinos have applied in the repatriation program being overseen by the Philippine Embassy in Damascus; this number is a very dramatic increase from the 100 who applied in February. The initial low number indicates the early reluctance of Filipinos to leave strife-wracked Syria. It may also indicate that even if Filipinos want to leave Syria, repatriation is no mean feat, for it would require, as Foreign Secretary Albert del Rosario said, “negotiating with employers for their release, including buying out their contracts, dealing with immigration officials and paying their fines, and in some cases being met with the challenges of having to extract them from areas considered to be ‘no man’s land.’”

To be sure, DFA and labor welfare officials must explain how coordinated and effective their contingency plan is. The death of the Filipina waiting for repatriation as a result of renal failure appears to show that Philippine officials in Syria may be remiss in extending the proper medical assistance to workers who may be suffering from ailments and the stress of evacuation. At the very least, the victim should have been properly endorsed as a special health and humanitarian case to the Syrian immigration office.

Ironically, Philippine diplomatic response to the humanitarian crisis has been hamstrung exactly because it’s avoiding further aggravating the situation of Filipinos in Syria. Fearing reprisals against Filipino workers, the Philippine government abstained from voting on a United Nations (UN) Human Rights Council resolution deploring the “brutal actions of the Syrian regime” and reiterating the need to urgently address humanitarian needs. The UN resolution urged the Syrian government to allow free and unimpeded access by the UN and humanitarian agencies to carry out a full assessment of needs in the city of Homs (which has been under severe attack for over a month) and other areas, and to permit humanitarian agencies to deliver vital relief goods and services to all civilians affected by the violence. Last month, the Philippines also did not participate in a UN General Assembly vote seeking endorsement of an Arab League proposal for Syrian President Bashar al-Assad to step down, apparently for the same reason. “Our primary concern right now is the welfare of our people,” DFA spokesperson Raul Hernandez said.

Philippine abstention in the UN human rights body is particularly embarrassing. The UN body approved the resolution proposed by Turkey with 37 votes in favor and three—Russia, China and Cuba—voting against. The Philippine abstention is tantamount to joining the three countries, which are not exactly human rights-friendly, and supporting Syrian President Assad’s violent crackdown on protesters, which has already killed 7,500 people. Hernandez did not mince words in indicating that the Philippines could not afford to alienate Assad: “We are repatriating our people and we have asked the Syrian government to help. We are working together to accomplish this.”

In the final analysis, the crisis in Syria should compel a rethinking of the Philippine manpower export program. Although the Philippines may bask at the seeming strong financial position it has lately been enjoying because of the billions of dollars remitted by its workers from abroad, crises like Syria’s should drive home the point that our workers face a host of vulnerabilities that may cancel out the economic benefits derived from working overseas. At the least, with the continuing Arab Spring, the Philippines should have developed by now a fail-safe contingency to come to the rescue of its citizens working in the Middle East and strife-prone countries.

Forget the Money, Follow the Sacredness

By JONATHAN HAIDT

Clockwise, from top left: Eric Thayer for The New York Time; Daniel Borris for The New York Times; Joe Raedle, via Getty Images; Joe Raedle, via Getty ImagesGroups circle around a flag, an idea, a leader or a cause and treat it as sacred.

In the film version of “All the President’s Men,” when Robert Redford, playing the journalist Bob Woodward, is struggling to unravel the Watergate conspiracy, an anonymous source advises him to “follow the money.” It’s a good rule of thumb for understanding the behavior of politicians. But following the money leads you astray if you’re trying to understand voters.

Self-interest, political scientists have found, is a surprisingly weak predictor of people’s views on specific issues. Parents of children in public school are not more supportive of government aid to schools than other citizens. People without health insurance are not more likely to favor government-provided health insurance than are people who are fully insured.

Despite what you might have learned in Economics 101, people aren’t always selfish. In politics, they’re more often groupish. When people feel that a group they value — be it racial, religious, regional or ideological — is under attack, they rally to its defense, even at some cost to themselves. We evolved to be tribal, and politics is a competition among coalitions of tribes.

The key to understanding tribal behavior is not money, it’s sacredness. The great trick that humans developed at some point in the last few hundred thousand years is the ability to circle around a tree, rock, ancestor, flag, book or god, and then treat that thing as sacred. People who worship the same idol can trust one another, work as a team and prevail over less cohesive groups. So if you want to understand politics, and especially our divisive culture wars, you must follow the sacredness.

A good way to follow the sacredness is to listen to the stories that each tribe tells about itself and the larger nation. The Notre Dame sociologist Christian Smith once summarized the moral narrative told by the American left like this: “Once upon a time, the vast majority” of people suffered in societies that were “unjust, unhealthy, repressive and oppressive.” These societies were “reprehensible because of their deep-rooted inequality, exploitation and irrational traditionalism — all of which made life very unfair, unpleasant and short. But the noble human aspiration for autonomy, equality and prosperity struggled mightily against the forces of misery and oppression and eventually succeeded in establishing modern, liberal, democratic, capitalist, welfare societies.” Despite our progress, “there is much work to be done to dismantle the powerful vestiges of inequality, exploitation and repression.” This struggle, as Smith put it, “is the one mission truly worth dedicating one’s life to achieving.”

This is a heroic liberation narrative. For the American left, African-Americans, women and other victimized groups are the sacred objects at the center of the story. As liberals circle around these groups, they bond together and gain a sense of righteous common purpose.

Contrast that narrative with one that Ronald Reagan developed in the 1970s and ’80s for conservatism. The clinical psychologist Drew Westen summarized the Reagan narrative like this: “Once upon a time, America was a shining beacon. Then liberals came along and erected an enormous federal bureaucracy that handcuffed the invisible hand of the free market. They subverted our traditional American values and opposed God and faith at every step of the way.” For example, “instead of requiring that people work for a living, they siphoned money from hard-working Americans and gave it to Cadillac-driving drug addicts and welfare queens.” Instead of the “traditional American values of family, fidelity and personal responsibility, they preached promiscuity, premarital sex and the gay lifestyle” and instead of “projecting strength to those who would do evil around the world, they cut military budgets, disrespected our soldiers in uniform and burned our flag.” In response, “Americans decided to take their country back from those who sought to undermine it.”

This, too, is a heroic narrative, but it’s a heroism of defense. In this narrative it’s God and country that are sacred — hence the importance in conservative iconography of the Bible, the flag, the military and the founding fathers. But the subtext in this narrative is about moral order. For social conservatives, religion and the traditional family are so important in part because they foster self-control, create moral order and fend off chaos. (Think of Rick Santorum’s comment that birth control is bad because it’s “a license to do things in the sexual realm that is counter to how things are supposed to be.”) Liberals are the devil in this narrative because they want to destroy or subvert all sources of moral order.

Actually, there’s a second subtext in the Reagan narrative in which liberty is the sacred object. Circling around liberty would seem, on its face, to be more consistent with liberalism and its many liberation movements than with social conservatism. But here’s where narrative analysis really helps. Part of Reagan’s political genius was that he told a single story about America that rallied libertarians and social conservatives, who are otherwise strange bedfellows. He did this by presenting liberal activist government as the single devil that is eternally bent on destroying two different sets of sacred values — economic liberty and moral order. Only if all nonliberals unite into a coalition of tribes can this devil be defeated.

If you follow the sacredness, you can understand some of the weirdness of the last few months in politics. In January, the Obama administration announced that religiously affiliated hospitals and other institutions must offer health plans that provide free contraception to their members. It’s one thing for the government to insist that people have a right to buy a product that their employer abhors. But it’s a rather direct act of sacrilege (for many Christians) for the government to force religious institutions to pay for that product. The outraged reaction galvanized the Christian right and gave a lift to Rick Santorum’s campaign.

AROUND this time, bills were making their way through state legislatures requiring that women undergo a medically unnecessary ultrasound before they can have an abortion. It’s one thing for a state government to make abortions harder to get (as with a waiting period). But it’s a rather direct act of sacrilege (for nearly all liberals as well as libertarians) for a state to force a doctor to insert a probe into a woman’s vagina. The outraged reaction galvanized the secular left and gave a lift to President Obama.

This is why we’ve seen the sudden re-emergence of the older culture war — the one between the religious right and the secular left that raged for so many years before the financial crisis and the rise of the Tea Party. When sacred objects are threatened, we can expect a ferocious tribal response. The right perceives a “war on Christianity” and gears up for a holy war. The left perceives a “war on women” and gears up for, well, a holy war.

The timing could hardly be worse. America faces multiple threats and challenges, many of which will require each side to accept a “grand bargain” that imposes, at the very least, painful compromises on core economic values. But when your opponent is the devil, bargaining and compromise are themselves forms of sacrilege.

Jonathan Haidt is a professor of psychology at the University of Virginia and a visiting professor of business ethics at N.Y.U.’s Stern School of Business. Parts of this essay were excerpted from “The Righteous Mind: Why Good People Are Divided by Politics and Religion,” which was just released.

Top 10 Hotspots for Human Longevity

By Miriam Weiner | U.S.News & World Report LP – Fri, Mar 9, 2012 11:59 AM EST

In 1513, Spanish conquistador Juan Ponce de León set sail in search of Bimini, a mythical land said to house a spring that restored youth to anyone who drank from it. After scouring the Caribbean and Florida, he returned empty-handed, and the Fountain of Youth remained undiscovered. Perhaps he was just looking in the wrong place.

As part of their data collection for the World Factbook, the Central Intelligence Agency (CIA) combs through death certificates, recording race, gender, cause of death, and other factors to estimate the life expectancy of a nation's entire population. Calculating the average life expectancyof the world's total population at 67.59 years, the CIA has determined which societies live longer.

[See: 11 Health Habits That Will Help You Live to 100]

In the United states, average life expectancy is 78.49 years, well above the world's norm. Many experts attribute this to ongoing medical developments, which have dealt with conditions that used to mow us down early. Meanwhile, nations without advanced medical care report a much shorterlife expectancy. For instance, citizens of the Republic of Chad in central Africa are only expected to live until their late 40s.

Despite the fact that the average American lives into his or her late 70s, the United States ranks 50th on the CIA's life expectancy list. According to the World Factbook, these 10 nations seem to have discovered the secret to longevity--no magical spring water required.

10. Italy

Average Life Expectancy: 81.86 years

Italians live an average of 3.37 years longer than Americans. Many experts draw a connection between their longevity and diet--which is more than just pasta, meat, and cheese. The Mediterranean diet is credited with lowering the risk for all sorts of diseases. The antioxidants found in olive oil and red wine--two key features of an Italian meal--can improve cholesterol, prevent blood clots, and stave off heart disease, according to the American Heart Association. Italians also rely on spices like basil, oregano, and garlic to flavor their cuisine, while Americans depend heavily on salt. As such, Italians improve their odds against high blood pressure and stroke.

[See: Mediterranean Diet--What You Need to Know]

9. Australia

Average Life Expectancy: 81.90 years

Australia's long life expectancy can be attributed to several factors, including relatively low smoking and obesity rates, as well as an active lifestyle enjoyed by its citizens. But many Australian medical experts insist that the secret to Aussies' longevity is universal healthcare. While the ability to obtain healthcare in the United States depends heavily on employment status and personal wealth, Australians have access to necessary care no matter how much they make. That said, Aussies shouldn't get too comfortable; the obesity rate is steadily climbing, which could undercut their longevity in years ahead.

8. Hong Kong

Average Life Expectancy: 82.12 years

Hong Kongers can expect to live nearly four years longer than Americans. Like Italians, people from Hong Kong can partly attribute their longer lives to their diet--rice, vegetables, and tofu are staples--and active lifestyle. Hong Kong reports a much lower obesity level than the United States does, as well as fewer instances of obesity-related health conditions, like diabetes.

7. Guernsey

Average Life Expectancy: 82.24 years

This small island in the English Channel is not a member of the United Kingdom or the European Union, despite being a British crown dependency. Its independence means Guernsey has not been affected by its neighbors' flailing economies. How does this tie into the long life expectancies of Channel Islanders? One theory: Guernsey residents live longer because they are wealthy, which affords them above-average healthcare and better nutrition. Channel Islanders are well-off, thanks to Guernsey's extremely low tax rates and high-paying jobs.

[See: Most Relaxing Beaches]

6. Andorra

Average Life Expectancy: 82.50 years

Several factors may explain why Andorrans outlive residents of other countries. First, this tiny nation, sandwiched between France and Spain in the Pyrenees mountains, promotes an active, outdoor lifestyle. Residents have easy access to hiking trails and ski resorts, while clean and well-maintained parks are often used for friendly games of soccer and rugby. Its citizens spend lots of time outside, which experts say can lower stress levels and consequently, cardiovascular problems like high blood pressure. Secondly, the CIA states that 100 percent of Andorra's population is educated. High education levels account for Andorra's extremely low unemployment rate. This means most Andorrans can afford high-quality nutrition and healthcare.

5. San Marino

Average Life Expectancy: 83.07 years

Europe's third smallest state--behind Vatican City and Monaco--and the world's oldest republic has a life expectancy that trumps the United States by 4.5 years. Money plays a major role here, as it does in both Guernsey and Andorra, but another key ingredient could be the nation's work environment. This enclave on the Italian peninsula didn't rake in its riches through manual labor. San Marino's primary industries are banking and tourism, with the majority of the Sammarinese working in office settings. This drastically reduces the number of work-related deaths--a big problem elsewhere.

4. Singapore

Average Life Expectancy: 83.75 years

A sound diet and a clean environment contribute to the longevity exhibited by the population of this fast-paced city-state, located on the southern edge of the Malay Peninsula. Like in Hong Kong, Singapore's cuisine centers on rice and vegetables, which are rich in nutrients that help keep residents healthy and active. Singapore's government also enforces a strict code of cleanliness--such as heavily restricted smoking areas--to ensure that all residents live in healthy surroundings. Interestingly, back in the 1980s, the government recognized that the nation's population was aging steadily, and with careful planning, Singapore now features excellent healthcare facilities and programs for the elderly.

3. Japan

Average Life Expectancy: 83.91 years

Japan boasts an impressive obesity rate: 3.1 percent compared with 33.9 percent in the United States. Much of the credit is owed to the Japanese diet, which revolves around fresh vegetables, rice, and most importantly, fish. Fresh fish is a rich source of omega-3 fatty acids, which promote healthy blood pressure levels and reduce the risk of strokes and heart attacks. In addition, omega-3 fatty acids encourage healthy brain function, helping prevent diseases like Alzheimer's. The Japanese also make healthier lifestyle choices: They tend to walk more and not overeat.

2. Macau

Average Life Expectancy: 84.43 years

Like several other nations on this list, Macau can attribute its high life expectancy, at least somewhat, to its fruitful economy. But why this tiny nation in the South China Sea is so prosperous might surprise you: Gambling is its main source of revenue, and 70 percent of the money generated on the casino floor is reportedly invested by the Macau government in public healthcare. The island boasts a variety of casinos, many of which are owned by the same bigwigs who gave Las Vegas its "Sin City" reputation. In January 2012, Macau welcomed 2,461,640 visitors looking to test Lady Luck.

1. Monaco

Average Life Expectancy: 89.68 years

Residents of Monaco live, on average, 5.25 years longer than the second longest-living nation, Macau; that's approximately a decade longer than the average American. Monaco shares several aspects with other long-living nations, including an abundance of wealth and state-funded healthcare. Monaco residents also live on a Mediterranean diet, which is associated with a reduced risk for a variety of health problems, including cardiovascular disease and high blood pressure. But many say it's Monaco's relaxing atmosphere that keeps residents hanging on until a ripe old age. Its location along the Mediterranean Sea and clean environment do their part to reduce stress, which can lower immunity and contribute to cardiovascular diseases. Maybe Ponce de León should have stayed closer to home in his search for the Fountain of Youth.

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said, 'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'
The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?' And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'
'Can you give us an example?'
'Thou shall not kill.'
'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.' The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, 'Honor thy Father and Mother.'
'Father? We don't know who our fathers are. We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'
'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said, 'I have Commandments.'
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'
'Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said, 'I have Commandments..'
'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'
'They're free.'
'

We'll take 10.'

There. That, should piss-off just about everybody.