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Sunday, January 24, 2016

Classic Rodney Dangerfield One-liners (of course they are 'adult advisory')

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
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I went to a massage parlor. It was self-service.
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My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night she used me to time an egg.
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It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
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Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
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A girl phoned me and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home!
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A hooker once told me she had a headache.
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If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
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I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, 'Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?' She said, 'No, I hate myself now.'
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I knew a girl so ugly... they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
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My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
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I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
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The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'
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My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.
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I know I'm not sexy. When I put my underwear on I can hear the Fruit-of-the-Loom guys giggling.
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My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.
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My wife likes to talk to me during sex; last night she called me from a hotel.
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My family was so poor that if I hadn't been born a boy, I wouldn't have had anything to play with.
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It's been a rough day. I got up this morning and put a shirt on and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
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I was such an ugly kid! When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
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I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and radio.
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I was such an ugly baby that my mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
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I'm so ugly my father carried around a picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
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When I was born, the doctor came into the waiting room and said to my father "I'm sorry. We did everything we could, but he pulled through anyway."
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I'm so ugly my mother had morning sickness AFTER I was born.
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I remember the time that I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
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Once when I was lost, I saw a policeman, and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "Do you think we'll ever find them?" He said, "I don't know kid. There's so many places they can hide."
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My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
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I'm so ugly, I once worked in a pet shop, and people kept asking how big I'd get.
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I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and I look in the mirror I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?" He said: "Nothing your eyesight is perfect."
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I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
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Some dog I got. We call him Egypt because in every room, he leaves a pyramid. His favorite bone is in my arm. Last night he went on the paper four times - three of those times I was reading it.
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One year they wanted to make me a poster boy…for birth control.
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My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting in his lap; he was in the electric chair.

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