Visiting the Philippines anytime soon? This article might just save your life. Read on.
Part 1 – The Mindset
A beautiful country with a loving people and a once-great environment. While their people are prideful, many of them are self-righteous and think of themselves as “Gangsta.” Also, the populace has a “Hive-Mind” similar to Ants. When they sense someone going against the norm, they will proceed to exile the heretic.
When going to this country, make sure to hold up the “L” sign during a rally. It may mean “Loser” or “Glee” in the west, but it is a sign of Monarchy in the Philippines. When seeing a naked child, remember that it is normal for small children to be naked as long as they are being watched by family. You are not a pedophile.
Fusion of pinoy religiosity and gangsta ethos
Also, make the sign of the cross when going to mass, and don’t buy condoms in public. Humble yourself before elders, even if you don’t know who they are. Listen to the horrible rap music and speak in tagalog lest you anger the populace. Also, don’t act disgusted when they offer you bird fetus, it’s delicious. Just suck it up, and say “I’m proud the Filipinos are the only ones who make this exotic dish.”
Lastly, candy can be interchanged with one peso, but only as change.
Part 2 – Surviving
Now you’re in the Philippines! I won’t lie, I too love the people and the beauty of my country. But there are times that suck. Like, really suck.
Be ready with wads of money the moment you step out the hotel - for holdupppers, beggars, cops, and the occasional kidnapper.
Did you win the genetic lottery? Are you white? Well, you are now allowed to speak in perfect english! If you look Filipino, be prepared to be called “Inglisero.” If you find yourself in this situation, explain slowly that you are not Filipino. They’ll apologize then ask where you come from. Say “Canada/US/UK” and they will understand. Kinda.
But there’s something wrong with the genetic lottery. You now have double the chances of getting held up! Just avoid all alleys, unlit streets, gangstas, jejemons ( you’ll notice the rainbow hats.), and avoid all texts from people you don’t know.
You need transportation. Would you like to take the jeep, the supposed only type of it’s kind? Remember that they are the bane of drivers everywhere. It’s not so bad if you’re the passenger. But they block the road, spew out smoke, and have very little belief in “road laws.” If you’re driving, beware the jeep.
Support our economy by giving money and alms to the poor! Those kids are actually held in check by syndicates. Every peso you give them equals food for them, and more bribe money being introduced into our government. BEWARE: not all of the poor are members of syndicates. Avoid the honest poor.
When going to a bar, try one that’s filled with Americans and in some high-class place. If not, you increase your chances of meeting Filipinas who want to marry you for a green card/money. And trust me, it’s not a good thing. Not all of them are hot.
If you can provide green card, you can get my phone number.
Part 3 – Commodities.
So you know the people, you know the bad places. Now, the commodities.
Don’t believe the racists who say we eat with our hands. We don’t, we eat with spoons and forks. But sometimes we eat on hot plates and banana leaves. There’s nothing tribal about it. Side Note: It’s acceptable in festivities where those who are assigned to bring spoons and forks bring the cheap plastic kind that breaks. Maybe that’s where the practice started, i’m not sure.
Don't step on people sleeping on the sidewalks.
Street food is prepared in the street. Not literally, but yes, sometimes it is prepared in stalls in the side of the street. This stops people from parking, but F*** those who are rich enough to afford cars. F them hard.
The bathrooms in certain places all depend on where you are. Are you in some mall? Chances are it’s clean. Do you have to pay 10 pesos for it? It probably looks like somebody pooped on the floor and spread it around with his shoe. Which, depending on what’s being served in the nearby carinderia, probably is.
Toilets are God’s gift. In your country, you may have the same problem. But there are some who, as we all know, are jerks. They prefer to remove the seat, leave it there broken, or just piss all over it. It’s a universal problem, but do they HAVE to use up all the tissue?
Ice cream is most probably clean. If you buy sorbetes, it is also clean. If you buy balut (I stress this in every part of the travel guide), please, PLEASE make sure you’re cool with what you’re eating. Our streets are dirty enough without another foreigner spewing chunks all over the sidewalk. It’s filled with enough bodily fluids thank you.
Remember there is a Filipino saying: “The car smoke gives it flavor.” Fine, I read that on a blog on a cooking blog post bout fried quail eggs. That’s one reason why I don’t eat too much street food, unless of course it was kept inside a sealed siomai heater (I don’t know what to call it, in here, we call it by how it works.)
Welcome to the Philippines. Hand me your wallet!
What other commodities have I missed out? Water is in large supply, I can’t say it’s clean, but there’s a lot. In every subdivision, there is normally at least one “Purified water” store that sells it by the gallon. I’m not saying you should, but if you’re going to stay in our country may as well support our economy! Please? We need money for the free condoms and lumber for the Mayor’s new house.
Also, while you’re here, may as well buy some cheap phones. A touch pad/phone’s cost in the west is cut by a lot here in the Philippines. I doubt the quality, but it looks so good when you first bought it. (Again, support our economy by using your hard-earned dollars. We need money to make schools out of under-classed materials. We promise the buildings won’t kill that many children this time.)
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Editor’s note: If you enjoyed this post – there’s more at the AP Tavern - “the base”. 
I have a friend whose is an American. His wife went to the Philippines, this year. She is a Filipina; who has not been in the country for many years. She visited Divisoria, with her cousin. She rode on a tricycle; then went to a Mall. Just entering the Mall; a Boy snatched her necklace. The Police were just nearby; but; they did not do anything…
I told them; the Police in the Philippines, is in cahoots, with: pickpockets; snatchers; thieves; holduppers; pimps; and other criminal syndicates.
My American friend, just shook his heads, and told me: “You have a messed-up country, with incompetent leaders.”
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puranzu Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 10:17 am
Well you could get murdered/mugged in new york streets and no people there could give a ****
ask them and they’ll just say they don’t want to be bothered and move on with their business
While the justice system here really isn’t impressive we still have civilians who help
though expect people to steal your stuff when you are unconscious during your car crash!
>wearing a probably expensive looking necklace
>expecting not to get mugged
DOHOHO
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Jimmy Corda Reply:
June 11th, 2011 at 12:45 pm
Puranzu, you are blaming the victim eh? Have you been to NY? Sounds like you’ve never been.
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Welcome to the Philippines, Land of the Poor, Oppressed, Gullible, Idiotic, Moronic, Telenovalas, Skimply Girls, etc.
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BongV Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 7:15 am
pagpasok mo palang sa NAIA Immigration – lagyan mo na ng $20 yung passport mo – or pahihirapan pa yung inspection ng luggage mo…
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Land of thieves…. do you know why barong is our national costume?
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Why didn’t you tell me all this before I met the Gold-Digger Wife and all her “gangsta” shabu-loving brothers?
And the locals wonder why I do not invest in a business i cannot own, or deposit my life savings in a Philippine bank………………
It is so that gold-digger, her crocodile sister and high in the sky shabu gangster brothers don’t get it.
I will leave all my money to charity in the UK
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BongV Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 7:14 am
Arthur… sorry to hear that. A lot of expats in the Philippines have encountered the same treatment – I am disgusted just as you are.
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Arthur Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 9:02 am
Thanks for your reply BongV, I thought my wife would change for the better when we came to Philippines to live…. but it became worse. Now I see and experience the real situation now that this is not a vacation. But she chose not to inform me about the real way of life here.
I tried to make a nice home for her here but she is never happy, always complaning that she wants a bigger house (ours is 180 sq mtrs), a new top of the range van and fcuk knows what else. I have had enough and now spend like a local to save what is left in order to buy a place back home or in the States.
And also a big thank you for using the term Expat… foreigner just sounds worse than expat or even immigrant… Enjoyable site too, I didn’t even think this something like this could exist for debating. I hope one day that things will turn around here and kids get good free education, better opportunities for foreign investment, better medical care for all and of course corruption to be vastly reduced. But I cannot see this coming to fruition in my lifetime, that’s why I am out of here as soon as I finalise the necessary arrangements.
All the best, Cheers
Arthur
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BongV Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 10:18 am
Hi Arthur,
Thank you as well for dropping by.
I met a lot of expats who initially thought that retiring in the Philippines was going to be a tropical paradise. Only to find themselves faced with the stark realities of living in the Philippines. I hate to say that you have become an ATM of your wife and her meth-head brothers.
There’s a lot more interaction going on in the AP Tavern – where there are more expats and AP readers exchanging notes and banter. You can have a 24/7 sounding board, shrink, drinking buddies and what not – see you there?
Arthur Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:14 pm
Haha, you hit it on the head with ATM. I called myself that when I was back in UK with my friends for a visit. They all had a good chuckle but feel sorry for me at the same time.
Nowadays a few of us UK and US Expats get together and warn all the newbie guys arriving here just to rent an apartment, do not buy house, live far away from girl’s family, do not get married for at least a year or two etc. Well I suppose some of us had to learn the hard way because internet was not around too much when we made our first visits here, all looked so innocent then….
There are many good girls here too but sorry it is wrong for their families to fleece a boyfriend or husband from abroad. The money trees have been bare for a long time there too.
See you down at AP Tavern, cheers
the philippines exist so that we can feel good about coming from culture and civilisation in the 1st world.
it is a stark reminder of how bad a country can be but provides some amusement at the antics of the low-life and the corrupt.
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I’m from India and I have lived in the PH for couple of years. I plan to stay longer next time, I think the article unfairly criticizes the Filipino people. Mind you, India is much much poorer than PH and its roads, police, infrastructure, food quality, government etc etc is much worse than PH.
Filipinos when they go abroad, they do exceptionally well, so do Indians..so people are not bad…its the people who control them and yes…its the high level freemason in both countries and 200 other countries…Its the secret societies in all countries who create laws and choas, so that we remain in perpetual misery and slavery for ever.
Democracy, communism, economy, religion etc etc are just tools to control humanity. Humans are not bad not in Ph not in India.
I have met only nice people in the PH, who inspite of daily struggle are polite and calm. These people exploit our goodness and loath upon anger….Anger is good, we rise up to the injustice but in Christianity , Hinduism and Buddhism they all say to suffer and not be angry and then they can control us for ever.
Even Americans are suffering, its only outside beauty, Its more violent than PH and India combined. Chinese are struggling too…the whole world is much like the PH…only on TV they show you differently, so that they can divide and rile…I have met middle class Filipinos, Indians, Americans, Chinese, thai’s, british etc they all face some sort of problems created by the government to control them…
We need to rise up to this divide and rule and know who our real enemy is…Its not the religion, money, government, hospitals etc…its the people who created them and they rule us from behind these tools
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Lightzout Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 1:26 pm
I am sorry but probably you don’t see the real issue here.
The people you met are those of the middle class or those who have the means to live a good life. The majority of Filipinos are living with barely nothing here in Manila, how much those in the province where they still live in stick and wattle huts?
True, everywhere you go, there’s always a struggle, but compare to them and to us, who’s struggling more? China may be struggling but they have support from various sources. America may be struggling but they have the means to rise up. Us? As long as stupid Oligarchs and Politicians run the place, we’re always struggle and everyday it gets WORSE. Don’t you see the prices of everyday needs? Food, Clothes, Shelter, etc.? Do you see a beggars? Be they old or young? Do you see the **** we get everyday from news? Do you see how far we progressed since we disposed Marcos?
Sure, Democracy, Religion, Secret Organizations, etc. control people but they can be used to control and make actual progress! Why do you think they were thought up? To create ORDER, cause if there wasn’t order in the first place, you think we would end up where we are right now? With all the technological progress, you think technology is created through chaos?
Sorry Mr. Indian, but maybe you only see the surface of the Philippines, and perhaps you’re not living in Metro Manila. Try living here for a few years and see if you can say that again.
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Dark Passenger Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 5:44 pm
Religion and progress. That’s almost like an oxymoron. Have to agree with Jack on that. I think the world would be a better place without religion dividing people. Then again, even without religion, people might just find something else to fight about.
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Judge Reply:
June 11th, 2011 at 4:31 am
So you also believe in that? He said in the last lines, something not about divides, but the people behind everything. He’s making allusions towards FREEMASONS. CONSPIRACY THEORIES.
Dark Passenger Reply:
June 11th, 2011 at 3:31 pm
I meant about religion being a great divider. Don’t know about conspiracy theories, etc., but I believe religion was created by men in order to divide and conquer.
Arthur Reply:
June 10th, 2011 at 11:25 pm
Lightzout,
you are spot on with your comment above. It is getting worse for the majority of Filipinos and I have not seen anything become better here in the last 15 years, only dirtier, more polluted. no Government money spent to improve facilities for both their own people and for tourism. This country in the right hands could become a Thailand, Malaysia or Singapore but no it just sits there at the bottom of the pile, not so far from Africa now
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