A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sits down in the aisle seat and puts his black Labrador in the middle seat next to the man...
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane.
The second man explains that he is a Drug Enforcement Agency officer and the dog is a 'Sniffer dog'. 'His name is Smithy and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'
The plane takes off, and once it has leveled, the agent says: Watch this.' He tells Smithy to 'search'.
Smithy jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds Smithy then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent says, 'Good boy', and he turns to the man and says: 'That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.'
'Say, that's pretty neat,' replies the first man.
Once again, the agent sends Smithy to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm.
The agent says, that man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making note of his seat number for the police.' I like it!' says his seat mate.
The agent then tells Smithy to 'search' again.
Smithy walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to shit all over the place.
The first man is really amazed by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would behave like this, so he asks the agent 'What's going on?'
The agent nervously replies, 'He just found a bomb.'
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"Coughing Is Not A Sickness"
Two women went to the movies, and one of them started to cough. Her friend leaned away from her. The more she coughed, the farther her friend tried to move away.
Finally, the cougher turned around to her friend and said, "Look, you don't have to move away like that. This is not a sickness."
Her friend replied, "Well, it isn't a wellness."
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"Never Forget Independence"
It is reported that several men of various nationalities were engaged in writing books on the elephant.
A German put out a three-volume tome replete with footnotes, entitled "A Short Introduction to the Study of the Elephant."
A Frenchman put out a slim and graceful book entitled "The Elephant and His Love Life."
An Englishman put out a heavily illustrated travel guide, entitled "Hunting Elephants in Deepest Africa."
A Jew published a fiery pamphlet entitled "The Elephant and Anti-Semitism."
And an American put out an advertising brochure, entitled "How to Raise Elephants in Your Backyard for Fun and Profit."
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"Hitchhiker"
A hitchhiker in the hills of Tennessee was picked up by a hillbilly who pulled a gun on him and ordered him to take a bottle of corn moonshine
from the glove compartment of the car.
"Drink it," the hillbilly ordered, waving the gun.
The hitchhiker took a swallow from the bottle, gasped, gulped, sobbed, blinked, wept, gagged, choked, shuddered, squirmed, and twitched.
"All right," the hillbilly said. "Now you take the gun and force me to take a drink."
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"HMO Humor"
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peterasked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You may enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter invited him into heaven, too.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in also."
But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You may stay for three days. After that you will go to hell!"
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"I got the bill for my surgery. Now I know what those doctors were wearing masks for."
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"Toothpaste"
Our local paper runs a popular column called "10 Questions" that spotlights people who live in our community.
In addition to the usual inquiries about occupation and age, people are asked the questions that give a snapshot look of their personalities.
Recently one woman was asked, "What's the 'strangest' thing you ever bought?"
She answered, "Dog toothpaste."
Next question, "What is the 'most common' thing people say to you?"
Her answer: "Where did you get such white teeth?
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"Time Sheets"
A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!!!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?!?!?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."
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"Medical News"
A little known fact....
The first testicular guard was used in cricket in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974.
It took 100 years for men to realize that their brain could be also important ..
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What is the difference between Bird Flu and Swine Flu?
For Bird flu you need tweetment.
and for Swine flu you need oinkment.
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"My Yearly Exam"
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basics.
"How much do you weigh? she asks.
"135 lbs" I say.
The nurse puts me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 180.
The nurse asks, "Your height?"
"5 foot 4", I say.
The nurse checks and sees that I only measure 5'2".
She then takes my blood pressure and tells me it is very high.
"Of course it's high!" I scream, "When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I'm short and fat!"
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch.
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"Rescue"
A man had fallen between the rails in a subway station. People were all crowding around trying to get him out before the train ran him over.
They were all shouting.
"Give me your hand!" but the man would not reach up.
Mulla Nasrudin elbowed his way through the crowd and leaned over the man. "Friend," he asked, "what is your profession?"
"I am an income tax inspector," gasped the man.
"In that case," said Nasrudin, "take my hand!"
The man immediately grasped the Mulla's hand and was hauled to safety. Nasrudin turned to the amazed by-standers and declared, "Never ask a tax man to *give* you anything, you fools!"
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"Ready To Find Jesus"
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river.
He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher, I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I have not, Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
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"The Last Six Months"
The middle aged man was visibly shaken when his Doctor advised that he had only 6 months to live because of the terminal disease that was
detected during a recent physical check-up.
The Doctor suggested that he should get his "house in order", make sure his Will was current and ensure all final arrangements were in place for the funeral. He should then make plans to enjoy what might be left of his life, to the fullest.
"What will you do for the last six months?" asked the Doctor.
His patient thought for a few minutes then replied, "I think I'll go and live with my Mother-in-law."
Surprised by the answer, the Doctor asked, "Of all people, why in the would you want to live with your Mother-in-law?"
"Because it'll be the longest six months of my Life!"
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