I just read that Noynoy had signed the sin tax bill into law. Given recent studies showing that increasing taxes on booze and smokes does not reduce consumption, Noynoy Aquino is committing a sin tax error.
I was thinking about the biggest financial scams of the Aquino administration in 2012 – the president’s unaudited pork barrel, the lawmakers’ pork barrels, the CCT subsidy, the RH bill funds – and more pork barrel for those who voted for Corona’s impeachment. But I kinda figured it was somehow old hat and the pinoys will be too distracted with the upcoming deliberations on the Divorce Bill – as always the devil will be in the details.
CAN’T BEAT THE JOKESTER ECONOMY, IT’S JOKESTER CULTURE, IT’S JOKE OF A PRESIDENT, IT’S JOKESTER VOTERS – LET’S LAUGH AS ROME BURNS!
As the AFP declares its Suspension of Military Operations against the NPA – after declaring so many times that it will wipe out the commie insurgents by 2000, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2006, 2007, 2008, 2000, 2010, 2011, and 2012 – I’ll join them in taking a breather from empirical analysis which challenges if not outright debunks the Aquino regimes hysterical and absurd policies.
Having said that, here’s another round of stories for your Simbang Gabi. Cheers!
***
Full of Hot Air
A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am.”
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.”
She rolled her eyes and said, “You must be an antipinoy.”
“I am,” replied the man. “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help to me.”
The man smiled and responded, “You must be a proud pinoy.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist. “But how did you know?”
“Well,” said the man, “You don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You’ve made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and now you expect ME to solve your problem. You’re in EXACTLY the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now, it’s MY fault.
***
How Much Is A Billion?
The next time you hear a proud pinoy politician use the word “billion” casually think about whether you do, or don’t, want that proud pinoy politician spending your tax money!!
A billion is a difficult number to comprehend, but an advertising agency did a good job of putting that figure in perspective in one of its releases:
A billion seconds ago, it was 1980.
A billion minutes ago, Trajan (rules A.D. 98–116); Roman empire extends to Mesopotamia, Arabia, Balkans. First Gospels of St. Mark, St. John, St. Matthew were written
A billion hours ago, our ancestors were living in the Stone Age.
And….
A billion dollars ago, was only 8 days and 5 hours ago at the rate Malacañang spends
( Philippines 2012 budget = PhP 1.816 trillion = 44,184,914,400 US Dollar
Divide the PHL budget by 365 days/year = $121,054,560M per day
It takes 8.20 days to spend $1 billion)
****
A proud pinoy and your pinoy palamunin relative are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save one of them.
Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
****
Make a Wish
An ilocano, an ilonggo, a chinoy, and a moro were walking along a beach in Davao’s Samal island. When the chinoy tumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.
“I can only grant four wishes,” the Genie said. “Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece.” Pointing at the chinoy, he said, “Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish.”
The chinoy thought for a moment then said, “I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, China.” Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.
The Ilonggo said, “I weesh for enough plane tickets to take all my peoples back to our homeland, Ilo-ilo !” Poof! It was done! Heaps of PAL plane tickets appeared on the beach.
The Ilocano said, “I wish for a Philtranco ticket to take all of my people away from this horrible place loaded with barracudas and black shirts so we can live in peace in Ilocos.” Poof! It was done! Hundreds of Philtranco trucks suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Moro, the Genie asked, “And what is your wish?”
The Moro watched as the shuttles to the airport were leaving, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Philtranco buses riding off.
The Moro said, “Just give me a Royal Tru-orange. It doesn’t get any better than this!”
****
The Post Turtle
From where I sit, Noynoy Aquino is a”post turtle.” What is a”post turtle” you Makati urbane urbanites and Manila city slickers might ask?
Well one day an old cowboy from South Cotabato was out ridin’ fence and he saw a turtle balanced on top of a fence post. When he got back to the bunkhouse he told the other fellas that he saw a “post turtle”.
They all asked, “What the hell is a ‘post Turtle’? And he said it was a turtle settin’ on top of a post!
He then went on to explain that “you know he didn’t get up there by himself, he doesn’t belong there, he doesn’t know what to do while he’s up there and you just wonder what kind of dang fool put him up there to begin with!”
****
Philippines Constitution Day
I was eating lunch on the 2nd of February with my 7 year-old niece and I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”
She said, “It’s Constitution Day!”
She is a smart kid.
I asked, “What does President’s Day mean?”
I was waiting for something about commemoration of the approval of the 1987 Philippine Constitution. … etc.
She replied, “Constitution Day is when President Aquino steps out of Malacañang Palace, and if he sees his shadow we have one more year of unemployment.”
****
Fire in Tondo
In Tondo, a Quad-plex was destroyed by a fire.
A family of six, all RH welfare recipients and gang members lived on the first floor, and they all died.
A group of CCT subsidy welfare recipients, lived on the second floor, and they too all perished in the fire.
Six ex-cops, 5 rebel returnees and three Ex-cons who were bodyguards of a public official, lived on the 3rd floor and they too died.
A lone antipinoy Couple lived on the top floor. They both survived the fire.
Walden Bello, Risa Hontiveros and Edcel Lagman were furious. They went to Tondo and met with the Fire Chief, on camera. They loudly demanded to know why all the RH recipients, CCT recipients, ex-cops, rebel returnees and ex-cons died in the fire and why only the antipinoy couple lived ?
The Fire Chief said, “They were both at work.”
****
Circle Flies
Noynoy decided to do one of his public addresses against the backdrop of a farm in Compostela, but the ceremony couldn’t get started because of all the flies buzzing around his head.
Noynoy demanded to know why the flies wouldn’t leave, so the farmer explained to him, “Well, those are called circle flies. They always circle around the back end of horses.”
Noynoy angrily replied, “Hey, are you saying that I’m a horse’s ass?”
The farmer from Compostela answered, “No Sir, Mister President. I would never call someone a horse’s ass. It’s hard to fool them flies though.”
****
Question and Answer Section
Q: How do you confuse a proud pinoy?
A: You don’t. They’re born that way.
Q: Why is it good to have a proud pinoy passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: What’s the difference between Elvis and a smart proud pinoy?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: How do you keep a proud pinoy busy?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.
Q: How do you keep a proud pinoy busy all day?
A: Put him in a round room and tell him to wait in the corner.
Q: What do you call a proud pinoy with an IQ of 130?
A: A foursome
Q: What is the proud pinoy doing when he holds his hands tightly over his ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the proud pinoy have blisters on his lips?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.
Q: What the difference between a proud pinoy and the rear end of a horse?
A: I don’t know either.
Q: Why don’t they let proud pinoys swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can’t get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What’s the difference between a proud pinoy and a sack of manure?
A: The sack.
Q: What’s the definition of a proud pinoy running for Congress for the first time?
A: A mouse trying to become a rat.
Q: What’s 10 kilometers long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A proud pinoy parade.
Q: What’s the difference between a pinoy politician and a vampire?
A: A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q: What’s the difference between a pinoy politican on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner?
A: The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.
Q: What’s the difference between a pinoy politician and a bucket of cow manure?
A: The bucket.
Q: What’s the difference between a pinoy politician and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline
Noynoy Aquino and Jejomar Binay are proof that two wrongs don’t make a right.
***
Happy holidays y’all.
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