I guess the holiday bug got me. And if indeed the world will end on Dec 21, 2012, at least we had a good laugh. Frankly, the modern Mayas are wondering why are a lot of people saying the world is going to end. From the Mayan perspective , the end of the Mayan calendar does not mean the world will end, rather it means the beginning of a new age, a new cycle, a new baktun. Instead of doomsday it is instead another chance at changing the choices we make. We can choose to be responsible or we can choose to be irresponsible – each choice will have its consequence.
“TAWANAN MO ANG IYONG PROBLEMA” – FREDDIE AGUILAR
And speaking of choices – we know how choices are made in the Philippines, or if we don’t really know, we have more or less been able to to observe how choices are made in the Philippines. How do Pinoys make choices? Let me count the many ways – bahala na si Batman, bahala na si Lord, bahala na si mayor, bahala na si kapitan, bahala na si konsehal, bahala na si Congressman, bahala na si Senador, bahala na si Noynoy, bahala na a basta marka bahala – basta di ko kasalanan yan.
Anyways, I digress – here’s some more stuff that I was able to adopt to the “proud pinoy” lifestyle. Enjoy!
***
One day a florist goes to a barber in Pasig for a haircut. After the cut he asked about his bill and the barber replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The florist is pleased and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open there is a thank you card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a thank you card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Later an antipinoy comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.” The antipinoy is very happy and leaves the shop.
Next morning when the barber goes to open, there is a thank you card and a dozen different books such as, “How to Improve Your Business” and “Becoming More Successful.”
Then a proud pinoy iskwat comes in for a haircut, and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies: “I’m sorry, I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.”
The proud pinoy iskwat is very happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a fifty proud pinoy iskwats lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between those who support the RH bill – and those who don’t.
***
An antipinoy and proud pinoy are walking down the street and come across a homeless man with a sign that says “Please Help”.
The antipinoy pulls fifty dollars out of his pocket and gives it to the homeless man. He also gives the man his business card and says “Get something to eat and get yourself cleaned up. Then come and see me and I’ll give you a job.”
The proud pinoy sees this and thought that was nice. The proud pinoy wanted to do something for this man also….after all being a proud pinoy means he likes to help people.
So the proud pinoy reaches into the antipinoy’s pocket, pulls out another fifty dollars and gives it to the homeless man!
***
A little boy wanted P1000.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the P1000.00.
When the postal authorities received the letter to “God, Philippines”, they decided to send it to President Aquino.
Noynoy was so amused that he instructed Lacierda to send the little boy a P200.00 bill. Noynoy thought this would appear to be a lot of money to the little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the P200.00 bill and sat down to write a “Thank-you” note to God, which read:
“Dear God:
Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Malacañang, and those idiots deducted P800.00 in taxes!”
***
As Jesus was passing through a crowd, he passed by the antipinoy, touched him, and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.”
The antipinoy felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Then Jesus walked towards the proud pinoy. The proud pinoy jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me! I’m collecting CCT subsidy and RH subsidy.”
***
I just got my new Lexus RX400h, and returned to the dealer the next day, complaining that I couldn’t figure out how the radio worked.
The salesman explained that the radio was voice activated.
“Watch this!” He said, “Nelson!
The radio replied, “Ricky or Willie?”
“Willie!” He continued….and “On The Road Again” came from the speakers.
I drove away happy, and for the next few days, every time I’d say,”Beethoven!” I’d get beautiful classical music, and if I said, “Beatles!” I’d get one of their awesome songs.
One day, a couple ran a red light and nearly creamed my new car, but swerved in time to avoid them.
“A**HOLES!” I yelled.
The French National Anthem began to play, sung by Barack Obama and Noynoy Aquino, backed up by John Kerry on guitar, Al Gore on drums and Bill Clinton on sax…
I LOVE this car!
***
A South Cotabato cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, “If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?”
The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing herd and calmly answers, “Sure, Why not?”
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer, connects it to his iPhone5 cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports it to an outsourced image processing facility in Baguio City, Philippines
Within seconds, he receives an email on his iPad that the image has been processed and the data stored.
He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with email on his Samsung Galaxy tablet and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP ColorJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and says, “You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves.”
“That’s right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves,” says the cowboy.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then the cowboy says to the young man,? “Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?”
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says,? “Okay, why not?”
You’re a Congressman of the Philippines”, says the cowboy.
“Wow! That’s correct,” says the yuppie, “but how did you guess that?”
“No guessing required.” answered the cowboy from South Cotabato. “You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You tried to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don’t know a thing about cows…this is a herd of sheep.
Now give me back my dog.
***
Dear Abby,
My wife is a liar and a cheat. She has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront her, she denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that she cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since she lost her job four years ago, she hasn’t even looked for a new one. All she does all day is practice ballroom dancing, shop to death in Makati, and talk with her buddies while I have to work to pay the bills. Since our daughter went away to college she doesn’t even pretend to like me and questions my masculinity. What should I do?
Signed,
Clueless
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dear Clueless,
Grow up and dump her. Good grief, dude. You don’t need her any more. You’re a Senator of the Philippines. Act like it!
****
Separation of Church and State – This is a concession to the Roman Catholic Church 
TEN COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse or a government building?
You cannot post “Thou Shalt Not Steal,” “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” and “Thou Shall Not Lie” in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians.
It creates a hostile work environment
***
Question and Answer Section
Q: What’s the difference between a pinoy politician and a prostitute?
A: The prostitute gives value for the money she takes.
Q: What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a gambler?
A: Noynoy and Kris.
Q. How many pinoy politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Just one, but it really gets screwed.
Q: How many proud pinoys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It’s irrelevant; they still don’t know they’re in the dark!
Q: What’s the difference between a pinoy politician and a catfish?
A: One is an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.
Q: Whats the difference between God and Noynoy?
A: God doesn’t think He’s Noynoy.
Q: How many proud pinoys does it take to cast a single vote?
A: 3! The proud pinoy to cast the vote, the COMELEC watcher to make sure they did it right, and a party leader to tell them how to vote.
Q: What do Noynoy and his team have in common with financial scam artists like Aman Ventures?
A: They both say “ang galing ng pinoy”, they both give hope, they both take your money, they both will leave you penny-less in the end.
Q: How do you know when a Senatong, Tongressman, Abad, Drilon, or Noynoy is lying?
A: When his mouth is moving.
ERAP VOTES NOYNOY
Q: Why did Erap vote for Noynoy?
A: Because he didn’t want to go in the history books as the worst Philippine President.
McDONALD’S NOYNOY RH/CCT VALUE MEAL
Q: Did you hear about the new Noynoy RH/CCT Value Meal at McDonald’s?
A: You get to order whatever you want and the guy behind you has to pay for it.
SINKING SHIP
Q: If Noynoy, Binay, Abad, Drilon, and Miriam are on a sinking ship, who gets saved?
A: We do.
DONATING
Q: What’s the difference between giving money to a homeless bum and donating to Noynoy’s Presidential campaign?
A: The bum won’t follow you around for the next 6 years making you regret your donation.
Q: How many pinoy congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Ten. Nine to deny that it’s dark and one to spend P500,000 in pork barrel to hire a kamag-anak/ka-eskwela/kaibigan to change it.
***
Did you hear about the ABS-CBN reporter who asked Noynoy a hard question? Neither have we!
Actually there was a reporter who asked Noynoy a really hard question. The question was, do you prefer water or soft drinks?
***
Happy holidays!
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