Is it better to receive than to give?

Christmas: a time for giving

(Is it better to receive than to give?)

Rodel J. Ramos

Christmas reminds me of my youth in Zambales. The Misa de gallo, puto bungbong, noche buena, queso de bola, caroling with the barkada, receiving lots of gifts especially from ninong at ninang, titos at titas. At Christmas day, we go around the neighborhood and relatives just like they do here during Halloween receiving gifts of suman and other native delicacies. Dad being well off at that time celebrated with a family reunion inviting the Ramoses from Manila and within the province. It was two days of fiesta with talent contest and gifts for everyone. There was no white Christmas but the spirit of the season was a lot warmer for kids than the way we celebrate it here. It also kept the family a lot closer and more religious.

This season, let us examine the great Filipino tradition of giving. Filipinos are known for their hospitality. We are a natural in entertaining visitors to make them feel at home. Out of genuine concern, we are often willing to give so much to relatives and friends. It is not uncommon among us to send money to our families every month. Westerners who are typically accustomed to North American’s selfish and materialistic way of life find it difficult to fully understand why we are so often willing to do things without being motivated by the desire for personal gain. It is simply a strong part of our nature as Filipinos to be generous and willing to help each other.

Utang na loob

But being human, sometimes when we give, we expect something in return. Most parents give everything their children need, some give everything they want. Our time, effort and resources center on our children. We work hard for them, hoping to spare our children the hardships we have undergone. As a reward for our efforts, we implicitly expect our children to take care of us when we grow old and sickly. Some of us keep reminding our children of this obligation as utang na loobwhich they are expected to repay.

A good number of us work seven days a week just to send money to our relatives back home. I’ve had friends who have single-handedly sent their younger sisters and brothers to university, taking over the daunting obligations of their parents. When hard times come, they expect relatives to reciprocate. When the favor is not returned, they have written back angry and frustrated, saying “Wala kayong utang na loob!”

I’m sure we’ve all known people who have sponsored their brothers and sisters to Canada and the U.S. in hopes of giving them a better life. They provide them with air fare and offer them homes while their relatives get settled even if they lose their privacy and the quarters are uncomfortably cramped. But when the relationship sours, they might comment, “If it wasn’t for me, you wouldn’t be in America!” or “Kung hindi dahil sa akin, hindi kayo makakaahun sa buhay!”Such situations could start a bitter family feud that can last for years.

Sometimes we consider it the obligation of our elder sisters and brothers to help us but take them for granted when they need us.

Generous with friends

It would be fortunate if we didn’t encounter, every once in a while, a fellow Filipino who would treat their friends like royalty, but would leave much to be desired in the way they treated their own family. The richer the friend, the more attention is given. Such a person would go out of their way to please the friend, but would rarely show the same consideration to his/her brothers and sisters. But many times, they are not reciprocated and they are bitter about it.

People who become furious and vengeful in situations like these have probably lost faith in the community spirit and have stopped helping others. We often hear them say, “Nadala na ako sa pagtulong sa kapwa ko. Sa bandang huli, masama ka pa rin.” or you can hear the oft-repeated expression “Ang mga Pilipino talaga!” But is this not human nature? Other cultures have the same problem as ours. Even the Bible tells us of Christ curing ten lepers and only one came back to thank him.

We often say if we plant something, we should reap the fruits and enjoy eating it too. But it does not often happen and we lament, “Ako ang nagtanim, nagbayo at nagsaing, iba ang kumanin.” On the other hand, does the sun benefit from giving us heat and light? Does water get anything for quenching our thirst? What do chickens, cows and hogs get when we eat them for food? What do our parents get in return for their sacrifices? We often accuse others of ungratefulness but forget our misgivings.

Feeling good

Others give to feel good about themselves. One man wrote, “I searched for my God but could not find Him. I searched for my soul but it eluded me. Then I decided to look for humanity and I found all three of them.” The joy of giving is their fulfillment. By caring for the unfortunate, they forget their problems and find themselves luckier.

The palabas

Some of us give to show others we are humanitarian. We bring food to the needy or gifts to the sick complete with cameramen or TV crew to have their photos in newspapers or on TV. We donate to calamities but want our names attached to it. Our hidden motives make our gifts distasteful.

Charity begins and ends at home

Some of us give only to ourselves. Charity begins at home, we say. And it also ends there. We buy ourselves gifts every Christmas and to hell with others. We claim we deserve it for working so hard. To some extent, this is okay, but yes, it is easy to overdo it.

Downside of giving

We sometimes give too much material things to our children but not much of ourselves. We want our loved ones to enjoy things we were denied when we were kids playing with cans from sardines as toys or a piece of wood as guns. Some of our children would not grow up with the virtue of hard work and won’t realize the value of money.

Some of us who send money back home find our relatives too dependent on us. They have stopped looking for work or have little to motivate them to make an effort to support themselves.

So little to give

Some have much but give so little. Fearful that they may go hungry or lose their elite status, they hang on to their material possessions. When they die, their wealth triggers lengthy legal quarrels among relatives. Or worse, the government takes everything away. They will never experience the pleasure of giving. Their inheritors, however, will give everything away without care. The Bible said, “To whom much is given, much is required.”

Who deserves?

Some say, “We will only give to the deserving.” Who judges the deserving? Do we more deserve than other human beings? Do our children more deserve than other kids because they have poor parents? Are our cats and dogs more deserving than other animals or other children? Does God discriminate to whom He give light, heat, water and sunlight? The plants in our backyard which we nurture, do they more deserve than the trees in the forest or the hills of Zambales? Should we not question first if we deserve as a giver?

During calamities in the Philippines, some of us give but others comment, “Siguraduhin lang ninyong makarating iyan sa dapat pagbigyan.” And drop their $1 in the collection box. Some will not give at all and say, “Nanakawin lang iyan ng mga tao sa gobyerno.”

A major disagreement

Giving and gratitude are some of the causes of major quarrels, unhappiness and hurt feelings among families and friends. And because we cannot agree on what is right, permit me to borrow the thoughts of Kahlil Gibran in his book The Prophet. It might reunite some of us with our loved ones this Christmas.

“For in truth,” he said, “it is life that gives unto life - while you, who deem yourself a giver, are but a witness. And you receivers - and you are all receivers - assume no weight of gratitude, less you lay a yoke upon yourself and upon him who gives. Rather - rise together with the giver on his gifts as on wings. For to be overmindful of your debt, is to doubt his generosity who has the free-hearted earth for Mother, and God for father.”

Perhaps it is better not to expect anything when we give. It just disappoints us. Do it for love, pity, or for God. All good deeds are rewarded in our times of need not by those whom we helped but by others. Give but leave something for the rainy days. Like many of you, I have gone through all the stages of dealing with relatives and friends and I ended being bitter and unhappy with them. Then I realized I too was also guilty of ingratitude from those who loved me. Maligayang Pasko sa inyong lahat. at Manigong Bagong Taon.