Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz
By Perry Diaz
It was reported in the news that Janet Lim Napoles surrendered to Noynoy personally in Malacañang at 9:37 PM on August 28, 2013. That was what Noynoy’s spin meisters told the media. But Kit Tatad claims the story was pure baloney. He said that Janet secretly met with Noynoy in Malacañang at 10:00 AM on August 28, 2013.
My investigative reporter James Macaquecquec called the other day and said, “Boss! I have in my hands the mother of all scoops!” “What mother are you talking about, James?” I asked. “Well… uh… I have a secretly recorded CD of their conversation. I’ll play it for you, okay boss?” James said. “Okay, let’s hear it then,” I replied.
“Here it is, boss,” James said.
(James plays the CD)
Janet: Thanks for seeing me on a short notice, Noynoy.
Noynoy: I had to cancel my date with two Guest Relations Officers. You know, GRO’s.
Janet: Of course, I know GRO’s. After all, I was once a GRO… the best! I thought you’re not into that thing anymore. What happened to your scholars?
Noynoy: They’re getting too expensive for me. High maintenance talaga. Besides, I prefer GRO’s. They’re very professional… like you. Mga generals pa ang tricks mo!
Janet: Those were the good old days. But that’s nothing compared to what I have now!
Noynoy: I know. Now, you have senators and congressmen in your…
Janet: Ay naku, they’re boring. But they have lots of pork! Lots of moolah!
Noynoy: I know. You’ve been very selective.
Janet: Aba! Dapat naman. I only picked those who have huge pork barrel allocations. And thanks to you for increasing the senators and congressmen’s pork barrel allocations.
Noynoy: I did it for you because you’ve been so generous with the kickbacks from my pork barrel when I was still in Congress.
Janet: You were my guinea pig then.Pinag-practice-san lang kita, Noynoy. Hehehe….
Noynoy: Ikaw, talaga! Kwela ka parin!Hahaha…
Janet: By the way, now that you have a huge presidential pork barrel – P1.3 trillion! — maybe we can renew our… er… friendship.
Noynoy: It’s hard to do that now cuz of your high profile. Delikado.
Janet: Well, let’s take care of my problem first then and then we can have fun again.
Noynoy: We’ll see. What’s your problem, ba?
Janet: I need your help, Noynoy. I’m in big – BIG — trouble!
Noynoy: I know you’re in big trouble, Jenny.
Janet: I love it when you call me, “Jenny.” That goes back to my GRO days. You were my best customer then and very generous with tips.
Noynoy: Well, it was not my money; I got it from my barrel of pork. Hahaha….
Janet: I know, that’s when I thought of the idea of hooking up with senators and congressmen. They have lots of pork!
Noynoy: They’re all in trouble, too.
Janet: And so are you, amigo.
Noynoy: Me in trouble? You’ve got to be kidding!
Janet: No, I’m not kidding. I really need your help, Noynoy, or should I say, “Mr. President”? Oh, I have videos; just so you know.
Noynoy: Videos? Videos of what?
Janet: Well, you know… videos of… you know what I mean.
Noynoy: I thought you destroyed them all, Jenny.
Janet: Yes, I did… except for three. They’re my insurance policy just in case…
Noynoy: Which ones are those?
Janet: One of them was taken on the eve of your swearing-in. It’s your best video.
Noynoy: I don’t remember that.
Janet: Well, let’s play it then, okay? Here it is. I’m putting it now oin the DVD player. Just relax and enjoy the show.
(Janet plays video)
Noynoy: It’s dark. I can’t see their faces.
Janet: That’s you there and that’s Jojo next to you.
Noynoy: How did you get this video?
Janet: Jojo gave it to me.
Noynoy: My Jojo?
Janet: No, it’s not the Jojo in the video. It’s the other Jojo. The one that lives in the Coconut Palace… your sidekick.
Noynoy: Ang walang hiya! Traidor! I thought he was my friend! I’m gonna kill him!
(A knock on the door. Jojo enters the room)
Jojo: Sir! Wake up! You’re having a nightmare again! Wake up! Wake up!
(Noynoy wakes up)
Noynoy: Huh? Where am I?
Jojo: You’re in your private room behind your office, sir. You’re having a nightmare; you were shouting at someone!
Noynoy: I had a bad dream! What time is it?
Jojo: It’s 9:37 PM, sir. Well, sir, somebody is waiting for you in the Music Room right now. She said she’d only surrender to you.
Noynoy: Surrender? Who would that be?
Jojo: It’s Janet, the Queen of Pork.
Noynoy: Ang walang hiya! I’m gonna shoot her!
# # #
DISCLAIMER: This is a work of fiction. Any similarities to real characters are coincidental. This story is satirical and is not intended to disparage or defame anyone.
(PerryDiaz@gmail.com)
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