Is He Being Unfaithful to You?
By The Lifescript Editorial Staff
Men like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, Jesse James and John Edwards had it all: talent, fame, money, and a beautiful family. Yet with everything to lose, they were accused of cheating on their wives. Why would men throw it all away? The answers may surprise you. Here are 9 reasons. Plus, will he cheat? Rate his risk with our quiz...
Approximately 40% of men seek sexual satisfaction outside their relationships, estimates Kat Hertlein, Ph.D., professor of human development at the University of Nevada - Las Vegas and a marriage and family therapist.
That number hasn’t changed much since 1950, when the famous Kinsey sex study found that 50% of U.S. men cheat at some point in their marriages.
Why They Cheat
The No.1 reason: Men crave sexual “variety,” according to David Buss, professor of psychology at the University of Texas and author of The Evolution of Desire: Strategies of Human Mating (BasicBooks).
“They’ve evolved the desire to be with different women,” he says.
That’s because it’s very simple for men to reproduce (one act of sex versus nine months of pregnancy for women), so to create as many offspring as possible they’re biologically programmed to mate with many women.
“The ‘payoff’ in reproductive currencies [kids] of a short-term mating strategy generally has been higher for men than women,” Buss says.
So after thousands of generations, “this has forged in the male brain a desire for sexual variety.”
Other top reasons men cheat? They’re unhappy with their mates - and extramarital sex is cheaper and easier to get these days, Buss says.
And "power wives" beware: Being married to a high-profile guy ups the odds he’ll wander.
“Women are attracted to men who have power and status, so public figures usually have plenty of opportunity,” Buss says.
Whether your guy is a political animal, an A-list celeb or just a cubicle-mate, his motivation to cheat is the same, according to one relationship expert.
“Ninety-nine percent of the time, there’s a simple reason why: boredom,” says Steve Santagati, author of The Manual: A True Bad Boy Explains How Men Think, Date and Mate – and What Women Can Do to Come Out on Top (Crown).
Whatever the reasons, cheaters give monogamous men (the majority) a bad name.
Why They Say They Cheat
Here are 9 excuses guys give for doing the extramarital mambo:
1. She ain’t what she used to be.
Like Adam, the typical man can’t resist the temptation of riper fruit, especially if the woman in his life has let herself go.
“If she got lazy or gained weight or just doesn’t take care of herself, a guy will start looking at other women,” Santagati says.
Women who want to keep their men on a short leash need to take a “good, hard look in the mirror,” he adds.
And men should do the same. He might be a complete slob and still be demanding perfection from her. “It’s the typical double standard.”
For their part, guys should also make an effort to rediscover the spark at home.
“Make her feel pretty, even if you’re lying,” he advises. “Tell her how beautiful she is and how much you appreciate it. It will make her feel sexy and she’ll want to make you happy.”
That attention can lead to a more satisfying sex life, agrees Sue Johnson, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Ottawa and author of Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love (Little Brown and Company).
“All the evidence shows that when [women] feel safe and connected, you’re better at taking care of your partner.”
2. No one loves a ball buster.
Perhaps nothing will drive a married man into the arms of another woman faster than a nagging wife.
“She’s like a mosquito,” Santagati says. “He doesn’t want to have sex with her; he wants to [swat her away].”
The more viable option: hot sex with a more “understanding” woman.
Hogwash, says Steven Solomon, Ph.D., author of Intimacy After Infidelity: How to Rebuild & Affair-Proof Your Marriage (New Harbinger).
“[A woman] didn't do something that excuses cheating." Whatever the relationship dynamic, it’s not that healthy to begin with if it leads to infidelity, Solomon says.
3. She just doesn’t “get” me.
Men who cheat say they don’t feel understood by their mate. But it’s not always the woman. Mostly they’re either angry or afraid to connect.
“It’s easier for men to go outside the relationship than work it out with their partner,” says UNLV’s Hertlein. “We see this ‘triangulation’ a lot.”
A deep-seated fear of intimacy can be hard for some guys to overcome. And they’re more likely to cheat again, especially if they don’t go to couples therapy, Hertlein says.
4. It’s the thrill.
Most guys who have affairs are getting in touch with their inner caveman: They like to play with fire. “It adds a level of danger,” Santagati says, “and danger adds to the excitement.”
By keeping surprise and sizzle in your sex life, a woman can keep the home fires burning so hot that her man won’t have any reason to cheat.
But that's not the whole story. Solomon says men also cheat because of fear, loneliness or anger.
“The betraying partner's failure to deal with these feelings is what causes him to be unfaithful," he says.
Often, married men who cheat can’t quite explain their motivation. They just find themselves compelled to bust out of their day-to-day routine in search of something new. It’s a primitive instinct that dates back to their role as hunter and gatherer – only this time, they’re hunting and gathering new women.
“Maybe he married too young,” Santagati says, “or he just feels as if he hasn’t seen everything.”
Women can protect themselves by getting wise to this behavior early in the relationship – and getting out.
Santagati suggests you can find out more about a man’s dating history by watching how he acts in a room full of gorgeous women.
If you can’t rein him in when your romance is new, you’ll never control him down the road when your life together is more settled. “The first three months are critical,” he says.
6. Biology, baby.
“It’s our biological nature to be with as many females as possible,” Santagati says.
“Once we’ve seen a woman naked several times, it becomes commonplace. It doesn’t matter if you’re Jessica Alba or Sienna Miller, we become accustomed to your body and want to experience something different – different lips, different body types. We’re only monogamous because we realize that love and friendship are more important than getting laid.”
But Juliet Williams, associate professor of women’s studies at UCLA disagrees. “No matter how stunningly high the number of male cheaters, we know it’s not biological,” she says. “There are still a higher percentage of men who are monogamous.”
Whether it’s evolution, biology or simple novelty, infidelity researchers agree that men do seek different sex partners. However, the decision whether to cheat is entirely in a man’s control.
“Most men don’t act on those desires because they don’t want to jeopardize social reputations or marriages,” says University of Texas’ Buss.
“Former President Jimmy Carter, for example, told an interviewer that he had ‘lust in his heart’ but as far as we knew, he never acted on it,” he says.
7. It’s just sex.
For most guys, sex and love are two entirely different things.
“We really believe, ‘I can still love my wife and want to have sex with other women.’ We separate it in our brains,” Santagati says.
That rationale allows guys to cheat guilt-free, with one notable exception:
“Any guilt that a man has after sex isn’t about the sex itself, it’s about the consequences,” Santagati says. “Will she be a stalker? Will my wife find out?
"If a guy is in a committed, monogamous relationship, he should ask himself one question before he cheats: Is it worth it? He should consider the worst-case scenario, meaning that his wife finds out and is now brokenhearted. Is it worth it?”
8. Not tonight, dear.
Let’s face it. Men want more sex than women.
So when their partner is tired from wrangling kids all day and unwilling to try new things, even the most loyal hubbies get bored and go looking for nookie.
More sexually permissive men who don’t have equally adventurous partners are also more apt to wander, says UNLV’s Hertlein.
Their sexual values are just not compatible.
9. Because we can.
OK, we’re guys, remember? It’s hard to resist temptation, especially when it’s at our fingertips.
Thanks to the Internet, it’s easier for men to cheat anytime, anywhere… while they’re watching TV or on the laptop in bed next to their sleeping wives.
“That includes “sexy communication and flirting that’s kept secret from your partner.”
Forgive and Forget?
Whether your man is having sex online or in a hotel room, should you take him back?
“We think of people who betray us as cads, bad people, immature,” Solomon says. “But most are normal folks who get lost in not taking care of themselves and their marriage.”
And if you forgive and forget, could he cheat again?
Despite guys’ excuses, the decision to cheat or stay faithful isn’t something women can control.
“Even if you’re the worse spouse on Earth, your partner can find better ways to deal with his unhappiness,” Solomon says. “You can't make someone cheat any more than you can make someone drink or abuse you.”
Will He Cheat? Rate the Risk
It's thought that about 60% of men cheat on their partners - and 70% of wives don't have a clue. Is your guy ever-true... or a sneaky cheat? Take our cheating quiz to find out.
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