We’ve learned two principles so far:
- Principle #1: The willingness to learn will transform your life
- Principle #2: Find goodness
In the last email and video, we explored the negativity bias.
Knowing about the negativity bias can help us (1) understand where negativity comes from and why we have it in our life (our ancestors were the ones who survived, the vigilant ones, the ones who looked for what was wrong or what could go wrong ― Yay for our ancestors! They stayed alive!) and (2) knowing about the negativity bias can help us compensate for it. We can choose to give less credence to the negative and more emphasis to the positive. This makes us happier.
This is important:
Knowing that the mind has a predisposition for the negative, we can give less credence to the negative and more emphasis to the positive. This helps us find goodness. This helps us emphasize goodness. This helps has see reality as it is. This helps us be happier.
Now we’re going to look at a special case of the negativity bias:
Comparison is the road to suffering
Comparison warrants its own consideration because it is widespread and causes much suffering.
Often we suffer because we compare.
We look at someone else and think, Well, they’re doing better than me.
They’re healthier. They’re wealthier. They’re happier.
They’re more beautiful. They have a better car. They have a better job.
They have a better relationship. They’re having better sex.
You see?
Suffering.
The problem with comparison is that there is no equal comparison.
None. Zero.
Equal comparison is impossible.
When we compare with someone, we are comparing one item, or a few items, out of many.
Yes, maybe one person has an amazing car, and maybe when we see them behind the wheel, they look amazing and beautiful, but maybe they are also addicted to heroine, and in an abusive relationship, or totally lonely, or self-absorbed, or who knows what.
Maybe they just lost the love of their life.
There is no way we can have the whole picture.
There is no way we can know where they were born, who they were born to, the suffering they have gone through, and the struggles they are still experiencing.
Maybe they were born with some great inheritance. Owning an expensive car, having a personal trainer, having a personal chef who cooks healthy well-balanced meals designed to build muscle, having a personal shopper and fashion consultant, having a hairstylist coif their hair each morning ― no problem; money is not an issue; they are rich.
"Yes, but," the mind might say, "their life actually is better than mine."
Is it?
How can you know?
And even if it is ...
- Life is not fair
(and this should be a principle in and of itself)
- Their life is not your life
Comparing your life to their life is (1) not going to be a complete comparison because such a comparison is impossible and (2) is only going to cause you suffering.
Focus on your life.
The only life you have is your life.
Notice when comparison is occuring, then remember …
- There is no way to have a complete comparison with someone; you can always and only compare on a few criteria; you have no idea what their life was like and is currently like.
Here are two stories to illustrate how comparison is the road to suffering.
Story #1
At one point on my journey, I went to this place called Esalen.
There was a Gestalt psychology workshop I was going to attend.
As other participants were arriving, a man pulled up in a red Ferrari. He had a beautiful wife; two beautiful daughters. They all looked very wealthy and very beautiful.
Before the workshop started, this man was on the grass with his shirt off, relaxing in the sun and playing with his family. He’s got it all, I thought. What a lucky guy. He had a fit body; like a model’s body. Even his sunglasses looked expensive. Then he did a handstand, walked on his hands for a distance, and sprang to his feet.
I wanted his life.
My life sucked.
When the workshop began, we all shared why we had come. I was there because I had been raised hard and was looking for peace. The beautiful man with the beautiful family and the beautiful sunglasses and the beautiful car was there because he had leukemia, a terminal diagnosis.
Boom.
Instantly.
I no longer wanted his life.
You just don’t know, you never know, someone’s complete story.
Comparison is always partial and, as such, incomplete and inaccurate.
Story #2
Bohemian woman. Adventurer.
Free spirit who traveled and camped and went rock climbing and surfed and traveled (did I already say that?) and never had to work.
What was her secret?
She was the heiress to one of America’s largest fortunes.
Her house in Monterey, California, was several stories with many rooms.
She had a maid that came every day to clean and cook and do her laundry.
She also had other houses, all around the world, and she travelled between them.
That is, until, she invested all of her money with Bernie Maddof.
Whoops.
Gone.
Her money was suddenly gone.
She sold all of her homes, except the Monterey house.
She had to let her maid go. She had to take in roommates.
The last time I checked, this was still her life ― her one house filled with roommates.
Still a pretty good life!
But when she compared her new life to the life she once had, compared her current life to some other life, it caused her suffering.
She grieved a lot, suffered a lot, to let go of the life she once had; to find happiness with the life she now had. Still a great life! She still got to travel. She still didn’t have to work. She still had a home. Now, she just had roommates and no maid. Yet it took her awhile to find happiness with what was still a wonderful life.
Comparison is the road to suffering.
It is good to know that comparison is the road to suffering because, knowing this, we can avoid comparison. Why would we want to do it? It causes us suffering. Much better it is to find goodness in the life we’ve got.
When we find ourselves comparing, we can ...
- remember that comparison is the road to suffering.
- remember that there is never complete comparison; that comparison is always partial.
- remember to look to our own life and find goodness it.
That is our task, to find goodness in our own life.
One last thing to say about comparison: there is skillful comparison.
When we are inspired by the positive example of others as to what we can achieve in our own life, this is skillful.
Summary:
Use the mind as the tool which it is. Be vigilant with the mind. Discount the negative. As the mind already has negativity bias, give less credence to the negative. Give more emphasis to the positive. Find goodness. Avoid unskillful comparison. Comparison is the road to suffering. There is never a complete comparison. Comparison is always partial. Your task is to find goodness in the life you’ve got.
In the next email and video, we will look at one more aspect of the mind to help us maximize the benefit that we receive when we find goodness. In particular, we’re going to see how
- the mind is like video mode on your cellphone’s camera
I will write this now, make a video, and send it to you in the next day or two.
In the interim, email me one good thing about your life.
Right now. Email me. Hit reply.
Sincerely,
Daiya
― Let’s go to the movies! Here’s this lesson’s video!
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