Among the outlandish cultural values that Filipinos pride themselves of is their so-called “close family ties.” As a child, I was taught that Filipinos are “unique” because they care for their family and kin at a level of closeness that is rarely observed or practiced in other cultures or races. (Asians and Hispanics in general are closely-knit.)
It is a cultural tradition that is valued and evidenced by our fondness for family reunions during secular and religious holidays such as Christmas, New Year’s eve parties, All Saints’ Day, Holy Week, fiestas, homecomings, birthdays, weddings, graduations, baptisms, house blessings, wakes, funerals and almost every conceivable excuse to celebrate and feast. (Shared among former Hispanic colonies.)
We consider the farthest degrees of our kinship as extended family and take pride and value that relationship as something useful for getting favors, grants and advantage. Having an influential, powerful and wealthy “ninong” (godfather) or “ninang” (godmother) in your baptism and wedding is enough insurance and security card to get you along the myriad, complex, tumultuous and predatory Philippine society. How much more having a first degree kin in the corridors of power?
It is a very important and high stakes value that political dynasties exist and thrive in this country. Having a huge clan is also an advantage in winning an election or having an upper hand in employing vendettas in a violent clan war against another.
At a very young age, Filipino children are trained to be loyal to their parents and elders by blindly obeying their authority and the conditions they impose within the family. They are taught that family and kinship is the foundation of their existence and purpose in life.
The hackneyed adage “blood is thicker than water” is a familiar mantra—a spell that resonates throughout your life in making moral decisions that often tear you apart between your personal interest and happiness against the collective; between your own decision and your family’s decision; between your morality and THEIR morality. The INDIVIDUAL belongs to the COLLECTIVE—a virtual slave, a conformist, an investment, a chattel.
The handful few who find the bravery and courage to defy this tradition are disowned, outcast, rejected—stripped of entitlement, birthright, love and respect. They are often vilified as ingrates, black sheeps, traitors and an embarrassment to the herd. Imagine your own parents and siblings calling you praning (crazy), weirdo, abnormal and other insolent pejoratives for thinking and acting different from them; for disagreeing and telling them they are wrong?
They used to pamper and spoil you as a child, providing and spending for you lavishly, sending you to exclusive schools because they expect you to obey their plans for you—to live the life and career they want for you so you could repay them back two-fold if not a hundred times the cost and money they had invested in you.
Kids in this country are raised not because they are loved by their parents but rather because they are seen as farm hands, as investments, as passports, as tools for success, wealth, power and honor for the family. Young Filipinos today take careers that promise a high-paying salary because it’s the wish of their parents. The sooner they finish school, the sooner they leave the country and work abroad so they can support their family back home. They are lifelines, granaries for support to parents, siblings and even relatives; successors to political dynasties that bleed and suck our country dry.
To add absurdity and hilarity, they back this up by going to their vending wishing machines they call churches to desperately supplicate for more and justify their mooching not to mention that this very mode of thinking is encouraged and sanctioned by the priesthood who claim infallible authority over the minds of their flock—that women are nothing but baby factories and properties of their husbands—that an attempt to control pregnancy is an abominable sin against a cosmic dictator who ordered the massacre of babies in the name of land grabbing, conceit and narcissism.
For centuries, this cruelty has never been so effectively perpetrated by these cretinous men whose sole vocation is to subjugate man for other men—lecherous diseased beings who betray human nature.
I grew up under the “mano” system (the Spaniards call this “besar las manos” or the kissing of the hands)—the touching of the elder person’s backhand to one’s forehead as a gesture of respect. This gesture was appropriated from the practice of kissing the signet ring of the pope by his subordinates and brought by the Spanish friars in the colony to infuse their power over their indio subjects.
So it evolved into a Filipino custom where the act is considered not just a gesture of respect but also a submission to the authority of one’s parents and elders. There was always an instance where I got a fair share of beating from my parents and from my maternal grandparents whenever I failed or forgot to perform the ritual specially when there were visiting relatives and kin whom I haven’t even met. I was told that it was a way to show respect to family and kin and a display of good breeding and how well my elders were training me. Later on, I realized that it was pointless and latched on false respect; that the ritual has done more damage and continued to turn Filipinos into meek and submissive gofers and sycophants. Today, Filipino kids perform this ridiculous practice to extort money instead from their godparents or visiting relatives. Even parents coax them: “O, bless kay ninong, kay tito at tita,” so these people would give money to their kids!
Never once in your lifetime as a Filipino that you have never been expected to give a “blowout” or “balato” (handout)—I consider it “alms” in the appropriate sense of the word—to family and relatives whenever you have accomplished something like being promoted, winning in a competition, graduating with honors or simply hitting the lottery or casino! Those who avoid or refuse to fall into this customary mugging are despised and labeled as “kuripot” (penny-pincher) or “madamot” (miser). Try lending money to a relative and expect not to be paid because they assume you won’t mind because you’re close and related.
If you’re a homecoming balikbayan or OFW on vacation, expect that your relatives are waiting for you to bring them “pasalubong” or gifts. Hence, the invention of the BALIKBAYAN BOX. Not contented, some would still demand for money or treat them to out-of-town excursions.
Imagine struggling all your life trying to prove to your family—your parents specially—that you are a good son or daughter. You turned your back from the things you love or dream to do because you want to please them and be accepted as a “good” child or sibling. There were times when your parents themselves drive a wedge between you and your siblings because they shower more affection and love on them as a reward for their “selfless” loyalty.
It’s terrible to feel being relegated in the back burner because you are not “sacrificing” enough of yourself. It is a distorted morality wherein individualism is shunned and labeled as selfish—that the word “selfish” itself has been morally evaluated as evil. In this culture, self-determination is wrong because religion played a large part in reinforcing this concept—that self-sacrifice for the common good is the highest value; that crucifying one innocent man relieves the rest of humanity of its crimes and guilt; that vicarious redemption is the sole accepted means of salvation from eternal damnation handed down by a cosmic dictatorship.
Christianity has only reinforced the parasitic culture of the Filipino to pass off his responsibility and salvation on another individual or deity for that matter instead of taking hold of his actions and work for self-determination. The dependence on this cultural value is itself a betrayal of free will.
The Filipino’s obsession to please his family and relatives in order to be called “good” and “generous” is the culprit in the endless cycle of parasitism and dependence on the opinions of others—breeding a social and political culture where success is dependent on how efficient one could please and at the same time control and enslave the collective in exchange for acceptance, raw power and wealth.
It is ironic that despite this deeply ingrained tradition of close family ties among Filipino families, most still end up stabbing each other’s backs when they fail to benefit from those whom they depend on. They self-destruct—fighting over common real estate properties or inheritance from parents or positions of power and influence in the corporate and political ladder.
The Filipino’s concept of close family ties gave rise to a tradition not really meant to evoke affection between family members but rather to take advantage and leech on those who are successful; to mooch from those who labor and think; to ride on and claim pride from the accomplishments of others because they are your kin or a “kababayan.” It is a product of mediocrity, laziness, lack of self-respect and a failure to become independent self-determinists.
****
Related links on the topic:
INTRO - Individualism vs Collectivism - httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5cu4CDWbQk&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P1. The Nature and Origin of Human Rights
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0ENeHVzFyA&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P2. Group Supremacy
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWJkipc18yg&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P3. Coercion vs Freedom
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TapI5HKd_qs&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P4. Equality and Inequality under Law
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fH9_db-jYDk&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P.5 Proper role of Government
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_C1NRJy8H4g&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
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Tags: Collectivism, filipino family, individualism, mano
About the Author
The Gorgon has written 6 stories on this site.
"I turn weak-minded fools into stone."
48 Comments on “On Filipino Close Family Ties”
Sigmund Floyd wrote on 21 June, 2011, 0:13
is it just me or that guy suspiciously looks like ulong pare?
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 1:13 am
There’s an uncanny resemblance…
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kusinero Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 5:45 am
Yeah, but odd it is to say, I miss the guy. I don’t see him commenting in AP for quite some time now.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 7:23 am
He got bored maybe that he had no more “subjects” to troll at :p
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chayo wrote on 21 June, 2011, 4:41
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but Chinese are the most family-oriented and clannish among Asians. Just because they’re not demonstrative doesn’t discount the kind of fealty they possess, having been brought up with filial piety every step of the way by parents who have kept to millennia-old Confucian values like the importance of the family, the hierarchical structure of family and social life itself, the cultivation of self-restraint and the emphasis on hard work.
Chinese families in general do not suffer parasitism or perpetual dependence among family members. While the family members who have “made it” or better-off are expected to help their less-endowed less fortunate siblings, the help extended is a constructive one. It is not the Chinese norm to give doleouts, which in the typical Filipino view translates to “eating off someone else’s plate.” A big brother who engages in business, for example, would help a younger brother by giving him a job in his company. Little brother has to perform, earn his keep.
Filipino family ties emphasize on the giving of fish rather than teaching members to catch fish.
Chinese are loathe to marry off their children to Filipinos. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t an issue of money–who has more or who has less. Rather, it’s the Filipino moocher culture that scares them off — Filipino family members suddenly having a well funded and better still, loaded Chinese member for a benefactor–an inexhaustible, indefatigable human piggybank. It’s a grave no-no to Chinese, the typical Pinoy being mentally laid back with a natural predisposition to “bask in someone else’s light” rather than make it on their own that is most unfortunately prevalent in these islands. You can’t blame the Chinese, because they are the epitome of industry, perhaps on par with the Japanese.
Chinese children are raised to continue the family traditions and successes and not the least, the family name. Children are not the “investment” that will yield returns when their parents are old. On the other hand, Chinese kids typically, owing to their in-grained awareness of structure and hierarchy, know their place in the world early in life. The family that supports their financial success is not a mere physical influence, i.e. the availability of family members to help them out. More than having famly around, it’s the values and traditions that are inculcated in them from the moment they could speak that form the consciousness of a Chinese child.
I do not expect Filipino readers to understand what Confucian values are, and so you might not appreciate what I am trying to say here. The typical Pinoy joke is Confucius confuses. Confuse-eus. Right. And so the chasm between Chinese and Filipinos in these islands remain gapingly wide.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 8:32 am
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Chayo. Yes, it is such a misfortune that the Filipino has not learned from the Chinese, whom has a longer period of contact through trade and inter-marriage than the western colonizers. The Filipino’s indifference and xenophobia to the Chinese had been reinforced by the Spaniards to the point that the Chinese were even considered lower than the Catholic indio and the insular Spaniard–it was a strategy the colonial master had to employ and take advantage for fear that a unified Chinese-Indio culture and populace would pose a threat to their authority.
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chayo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:07 am
Thank you for your gracious comment, The Gorgon. I am glad to have contributed something to shed light on the Chinese puzzle.
You’re right; Chinese occupied the lowest echelons of society in Spanish times. Perhaps this contributed to their survival instinct. Outcasts have to do things extra hard. They had to be extra patient, extra industrious, extra cooperative with fellow Chinese in order to survive in a society that gave them no room for mobility.
Filipinos have learned and I believe they silently if not grudgingly admire the cohesiveness of the Chinese family, though application still leaves much to be desired. As a Chinese married to a Filipino, which earned me the title of Black Sheep, I see how my husband’s family struggle to keep up with the demands of life. I am the “inexhaustible indefatigable human piggybank (I am rather inclined to modify it to automated teller machine) I wrote in my first comment. It was a culture shock for me in as much as it grew into a wedge between me and my Pinoy in-laws, which eventually figured in the breakup of our marriage.
My mother in law was fond of saying “sabay sabay tayo sa grasya, sabay sabay tayong magdildil ng asin” with a sidelong glance in my direction. I don’t know about you, but to my ‘alien’ mind that spoke volumes of their expectations of me. I was expected to help out every one of her other 7 struggling children, including their spouses and children (OMG). It’s as if pouring capital into my husband’s business to keep it afloat wasn’t enough; I had to “help” his 7 younger siblings. It was too much for me to take. What kind of help?
My brother in law owed me a large sum of money, money I lent him for his trading business, and he failed to pay me back. Mother in law had the gall to tell me, “tulong mo na lang yan sa manoy mo, kasi talagang naghihirap ang negosyo niya.” That was telling me to simply write it off.
My mother went berserk when she found out my predicament with my Pinoy in-laws. Getting caught between a potential crossfire between races and cultures wasn’t my idea of living my life.
Eventually my husband and I decided to live apart. Anyhow it was nice (gallant) of him to assure me that I needed no more to interact with his family. After all, he knew what it felt like to be caught in his own family’s expectations (ah yes, the investment thing–his family considered me a very good catch). He are stll very good friends.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:04 am
Exactly my sentiments and reason for writing this piece Chayo. Too bad your marriage with your Filipino husband had to end that way. I know how it feels because your predicament is not uncommon with other foreigners who are married to Filipino husbands or wives. Marrying one comes with a huge baggage–as in the whole clan of that person will be mooching on you as long as they have every opportunity to do it.
You see, a hundred years ago, the Chinese in the Philippines were starting to evolve from their cariton-pushing-carinderia-sari-sari-tiangge form of business into present day taipans and tycoons while the Filipino is only starting with it and it seems they’re stuck with it!
Joshua L. wrote on 21 June, 2011, 8:06
Great read! This was my favorite part:
“In this culture, self-determination is wrong because religion played a large part in reinforcing this concept—that self-sacrifice for the common good is the highest value; that crucifying one innocent man relieves the rest of humanity of its crimes and guilt; that vicarious redemption is the sole accepted means of salvation from eternal damnation handed down by a cosmic dictatorship.”
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 8:30 am
Thank you, Josh!
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chayo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:53 am
I may stand corrected, but self-determination isn’t considered wrong, like morally wrong. In my view, it’s the insecurity of parents about the prospect of their children abandoning them. More likely, parents want their children around in their old age so that they will be taken care of.
The idea of senior couples enrolling themselves in retirement homes is an alien concept. Thus, holding their children to them by withholding inheritance, only giving them out after death, which is almost sure to generate in-fighting among the children. The Chinese way is to title the properties to offspring prior to death. It saves money as well. Mas malaki ang inheritance tax na babayaran ng mga naiwan, kesa magbayad ng transfer tax habang buhay pa ang mga magulang.
Parental insecurity prevents self-determination in children. Children are considered a guarantee of care in their old age.
Chinese have a different approach to life. It is more like a “pay it forward” approach, that parents provide for children so they could continue the family line, continue the business, continue the culture. What is most important is Chinese parents usually provide for their own old age. That children will take care of them is already assured, because they have given their kids a good start in life–instilling filial piety and pride in culture.
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rubberkid Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 3:29 am
The ‘pay it forward’ approach is what my parents did to me. They made sure we had strong foundations and a good life not because they expect us to provide for them when they grow old but for us to give our kids a good life also.
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Hyden Toro wrote on 21 June, 2011, 12:20
I know a relative of mine who kept his children in one compound…building each of them houses for their families…so that, they will always be near him…Unfortunately, after his death; the children fought over his properties and his businesses. One son, even hired a murderer, to murder his own brother.
This interdependence has some advantages, but it has more of its disadvantage. Truly, this is the cause of our Family Political Dynasties…Political power belongs to the family, only…not to others.
Other people in the community, who are better and can served better, are bypassed. Because; they do not belong to the family clan. The Ampatuan case in Maguindanao, is the best example….Father, sons, family members ruled the Province…
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chayo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:34 am
It happens to the best of families, though in-fighting over inheritance is such a shameful thing. Would it not be for the deceased eternal repose that they transfer the properties to their offspring prior? In my family, the titles are already transferred to us by our parents. Walang away, walang gulo, hating kapatid =)
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 6:49 am
These days even well off and professional Filipinos living abroad fight over a common piece of property like an old house left by their parents–suing each other in court. The cost of litigation was even more costly than the actual piece of property being disputed over.
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lo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 8:07 am
Hyden take a look at Japan’s history during the Sengoku era. So many clans were fighting each other. The situation was just as you described with family political dynasties and political power belonging to the family only. But the difference was that there ware actually wars since it happened in medieval times whereas for us in modernity the wars are barely visible.
I think if you look at any nation that has an old and rich history, you would find oligarchical rule.
Perhaps the oligarchical rule of our country now is a result of us never developing “independently”. We were never united from the very start. Only outsiders united us and not by ourselves. Since the Spanish ruled us for 300 years, we were never given a chance to develop and become united by ourselves. Because of living in numerous islands, we were late for the development of civilization. Indonesia had Srivijaya and Majapahit but their islands are very large whereas Philippines’ are comprised of smaller ones with large ones only consisting of Luzon and Mindanao.
China did not exist long ago. It was comprised of different states/nations. One emperor vowed to unite and create China then succeeded. Who knows if Spanish never colonized us, would one kingdom of an island in the Philippines dare to unite the islands? If not then that means the average Filipino is not ambitious and thereby does not deserve greatness.
There was a time we had a sense of unity and being a nation. If Aguinaldo managed to repel the Americans and legitimize the First Philippine Republic, would we be more united and more prosperous right now? Aguinaldo though a cheater was like the First Chinese Emperor for it is said that most Filipinos were loyal to him in the Philippine-American War.
Was the defeat and dissolution of the First Philippine Republic the final blow to a sense of unity for the Filipinos?
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Hyden Toro Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 11:51 am
We can change…if we like to change…adapt to the modernity of our times. Why should the past, justify our ways to live in the present?
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lo Reply:
June 27th, 2011 at 6:56 am
Easy for you to say. If you’re a realist, it doesn’t take much effort to conclude there is no hope for this goddamn country and its citizens for the next several decades. Yes decades.
archie Reply:
July 6th, 2011 at 3:12 am
these parents are paranoid. they don’t want their children to feel the burden and joy of having responsibilities that’s why their sons and grandsons become worms dependent on their patriarch/ matriarch’s savings. this trend will continue as long as filipino parents are so neurotic whenever their children gets small bruises from trying to improve themselves (OMG! my daughter is so hyper she must be suffering from ADHD help me!).
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Lightzout wrote on 22 June, 2011, 13:21
I have no problem in helping out my parents and siblings in need but to be forced to do it cause it’s tradition or I’m obliged to help is out of the question. I do not believe making children as means of releasing me from poverty as it only burdens them and hates their parents more. I’ve already posted this in the AP page in FB and I’m glad this further expanded what I meant.
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Ricky Reply:
June 24th, 2011 at 6:46 am
Quoted – “The Filipino’s concept of close family ties gave rise to a tradition not really meant to evoke affection between family members but rather to take advantage and leech on those who are successful; to mooch from those who labor and think; to ride on and claim pride from the accomplishments of others because they are your kin or a “kababayan.” It is a product of mediocrity, laziness, lack of self-respect and a failure to become independent self-determinists.”
I really don’t mind helping out my parents, relatives or kababayans if I wanted to, but to force me to help them because we are at the same ‘kin’ is a different story…
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Poppy Seed wrote on 23 June, 2011, 1:42
Well written article. A few points taken from Christopher Hitchens. Loved it! ;D
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Than you. Yes, love that take from Hitchens.
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aboy wrote on 23 June, 2011, 12:00
Great article, The Gorgon…
I just recently watched this video from youtube, WOTL: Utang na Loob http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OUOZK3Hgbg
Swak sya sa article mo sir…
Lastly, it’s good to be back here! @AP
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Thank you! Welcome back
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deo contaoi wrote on 24 June, 2011, 10:26
isa kang jose rizal ng makabagong panahon, keep it up, kung nagising mo ko, marahil madami din pinoy na magigising sa katotohanan. /no1
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Salamat. Paki kalat ang mensahe.
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Buboy wrote on 25 June, 2011, 14:51
Very moving article! Hope this would propagate & continue to inspire Filipinos to change! Mabuhay ka!
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Thank you. Please spread the message.
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Dale Kamp wrote on 26 June, 2011, 5:20
I shall share this throughout the web. Thank you for the insight that has always been lurking within my thoughts.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 26th, 2011 at 8:39 am
Thank you for sharing AntiPinoy’s message.
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charta wrote on 26 June, 2011, 23:31
This just further proves that Filipinos are materialists and consumerists. Even “loving” and “caring” parents are subliminally forcing their children to pay them back what they spent on their upbringing. It’s as if they put a price on their parenthoods.
And of course, the poor, miserable OFW. As if their being away from family is not enough, the family left behind are obliging him/her for expensive goods as pasalubong. Maybe that’s one more bad thing we got from the Japanese, since not bringing “omiyage” or “meibutsu” (both mean “pasalubong” in Japanese) from a long travel is a cultural faux pas for them as well.
And of course, it’s this twisted tradition that gave rise to the countless political dynasties prevailing over the entire archipelago.
When will we ever change?
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Max Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:33 am
are you financially rich?
do you have a happy family?
is your family financially rich?
do you know how to be poor?
just questions.
then rethink everything.
stop stereotyping.
get stats, do some field study.
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:11 am
Excuses….excuses…. Work if you want to get rich. Stop depending on your government and other successful people. Drag and pull your own tail!
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Chabel wrote on 27 June, 2011, 3:55
This is spot on. Nobody dared to write this befor for fear of some backlash. I’ve long been harbouring these sentiments because I was the one from whom much is expected – my siblings gave up on their lives and now have full time jobs as baby makers whereas I, the only degree holder, worked hard through university and now have a high paying job overseas. To this date whenever I call them there would always be mention of money, which is ****en annoying because it makes me feel like a mere revenue-generating machine. I have decided not to give them anymore – I would just enable their laziness and indifference. I just don’t understand why some people are lazy an FEEL ENTITLED OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S HARD-EARNED MONEY. It feels like you’re working for your family 2 out of three days you work. It’s slavery.
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:13 am
Some people really think they have a right or claim on you hard work. Helping is good but to the point of condoning mendicancy and laziness is absurd and wrong.
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ReikaLee wrote on 27 June, 2011, 21:03
Great read!
Also as someone who lives in Palawan, my fiance’s relatives have suddenly begun making “hirits” of vacationing here and expecting free accommodations. Now I don’t mind accommodating his parents and siblings, but his extended family, of course, is a different matter. He would get messaged on Facebook by his cousins which go, “Yay! Makaka-vacation na kami diyan sa Palawan! Ikaw na bahala mag-schedule ha. =)” I also very much cringed when one of his aunts said, “Wow naman! Magkakaron na kami ng kamag-anak na taga-Palawan. May matutuluyan na kami kung sakali.” I just had to nudge my fiance to get me out of that predicament.
Finally, what got my patience to red-line is when I got pregnant and one of his aunts found out, she said, “Ibig sabihin niyan ikakasal na sila! Matutuloy na tayo sa Palawan!” What on earth? Instead of being happy for the baby, mas inatupag pa ang pagpunta sa Palawan. They thought I was gonna invite the entire barangay and throw a beach wedding party.
Then again, it’s part of the Filipino norm to expect free tours and accommodations when you have a friend or family member who lives in a known tourist spot such as Palawan, Boracay, Bohol or Puerto Galera. I’ve just learned to apply “deadma” whenever I hear such “hirits.”
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:15 am
Next time, put a sign outside your house. NO FREELOADING FROM KAMAG-ANAKS.
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cocoy wrote on 28 June, 2011, 12:54
Great article! You nailed it right on the head. But I don’t agree that religion has anything to do with it.
The gist is about the Filipino’s “utang na loob” mentality, specifically towards one’s parent’s/family. It is a Filipino tradition regardless of one’s religion, however, this is not the case for the rest of the world, Catholics or not.
The concept “utang na loob” is anti-christian.
I’ve been observing this twisted tradition in disgust for years, and it all boils down to how 99% of Filipino’s think .
- Filipinos think it’s just right to ask for return since they’ve work hard and toiled for their kids.
- Filipino’s defines a good son/daughter like a Bank, which is by how much return they can get. Think investment, parental slave here.
- The value of a good son/daughter is relative to how much financial comfort one receives on a regular basis.
In essence, it’s like having a gold digger for a partner, the only difference is it’s not optional.
As for me, I really don’t care about utang na loob or pakikisama. I’ll help, but I’m not gonna bleed helping.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to raise they’re children well (not the other way around), so they themselves will be able to raise they’re own children well.
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Max wrote on 3 July, 2011, 8:14
I doubt you yourself is not a fool. Just because you can write something like this doesn’t make you intelligent. My pet ****roach can write too.
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Max Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:44 am
i think you are single, or you don’t have children, or you have them but you don’t really. or maybe you are gay.
you grew up in a rich but dysfunctional family. or in a poor family and your parents didn’t do anything to give you education so you did it for yourself.
bitterness, i see in you.
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:04 am
Are you a homophobe? What is wrong with a self-made gay person?
That person deserves more respect because being poor and gay, he was able to support himself and get a good education instead of depending on his useless family or rich relatives. Why? Did this article splintered a nerve in you? Butt hurt much? The truth hurts isn’t it?
Stop living like roaches and demanding for more free lunch in a welfare state. Kick the bucket if you want to give your country a big favor, moocher!
[Reply]
arthur Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 9:42 am
No he can’t, I just flattened him with my size 12 shoes!
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:17 am
No wonder you have penchant for roaches because you are the BIGGER ROACH.
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archie Reply:
July 6th, 2011 at 3:49 am
max is one the monkeys that the friars commanded to troll the net. open you brain and appreciate the articles that want nothing but to enlighten our moron country
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Joselito Ramone wrote on 5 July, 2011, 23:04
Thanks for writing this, Gorgon.
But I second what cocoy said: “‘The concept “utang na loob” is Anti-Christian.”
2 Corinthians 9:7 (NIV) says “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
I dunno if this is off-topic, but I wanna share this story.
Back in my high school days, they had a yearly fundraiser that requires us to ask, no, BEG, for money from complete strangers, so that the money will be used to improve the facilities of the schools (AC units, sound equipment, misc. other bullcrap). Everyone, as expected (from my observations, Filipinos are a predictable lot), blindly followed these directions. I had the balls to say “no”. Why? Well, that’s what’s the tuition fee’s for, right? “Everyone else paid P40,000+ for a frickin’ tuition fee, and they’re still short on budget to provide us with AC units for our classrooms?!” The moment I said that, everyone crabbed on me, saying “wala kang pakikisama”, including my class adviser. But I stood by what I said: I never gave any money to that fundraiser, kahit sinkong duling.
What if I did give in to my crabby classmates, and solicited money from people just to shut them up? God would definitely be pissed off at me. And the last thing I wanna do is to piss off the Guy who created me.
Because, as His Son said, “God loves a cheerful giver.”
Thanks for reading my wall of text. Peace, everyone.
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archie wrote on 6 July, 2011, 3:07
It is a cultural tradition that is valued and evidenced by our fondness for family reunions during secular and religious holidays such as Christmas, New Year’s eve parties, All Saints’ Day, Holy Week, fiestas, homecomings, birthdays, weddings, graduations, baptisms, house blessings, wakes, funerals and almost every conceivable excuse to celebrate and feast. (Shared among former Hispanic colonies.)
We consider the farthest degrees of our kinship as extended family and take pride and value that relationship as something useful for getting favors, grants and advantage. Having an influential, powerful and wealthy “ninong” (godfather) or “ninang” (godmother) in your baptism and wedding is enough insurance and security card to get you along the myriad, complex, tumultuous and predatory Philippine society. How much more having a first degree kin in the corridors of power?
It is a very important and high stakes value that political dynasties exist and thrive in this country. Having a huge clan is also an advantage in winning an election or having an upper hand in employing vendettas in a violent clan war against another.
At a very young age, Filipino children are trained to be loyal to their parents and elders by blindly obeying their authority and the conditions they impose within the family. They are taught that family and kinship is the foundation of their existence and purpose in life.
The hackneyed adage “blood is thicker than water” is a familiar mantra—a spell that resonates throughout your life in making moral decisions that often tear you apart between your personal interest and happiness against the collective; between your own decision and your family’s decision; between your morality and THEIR morality. The INDIVIDUAL belongs to the COLLECTIVE—a virtual slave, a conformist, an investment, a chattel.
The handful few who find the bravery and courage to defy this tradition are disowned, outcast, rejected—stripped of entitlement, birthright, love and respect. They are often vilified as ingrates, black sheeps, traitors and an embarrassment to the herd. Imagine your own parents and siblings calling you praning (crazy), weirdo, abnormal and other insolent pejoratives for thinking and acting different from them; for disagreeing and telling them they are wrong?
They used to pamper and spoil you as a child, providing and spending for you lavishly, sending you to exclusive schools because they expect you to obey their plans for you—to live the life and career they want for you so you could repay them back two-fold if not a hundred times the cost and money they had invested in you.
Kids in this country are raised not because they are loved by their parents but rather because they are seen as farm hands, as investments, as passports, as tools for success, wealth, power and honor for the family. Young Filipinos today take careers that promise a high-paying salary because it’s the wish of their parents. The sooner they finish school, the sooner they leave the country and work abroad so they can support their family back home. They are lifelines, granaries for support to parents, siblings and even relatives; successors to political dynasties that bleed and suck our country dry.
To add absurdity and hilarity, they back this up by going to their vending wishing machines they call churches to desperately supplicate for more and justify their mooching not to mention that this very mode of thinking is encouraged and sanctioned by the priesthood who claim infallible authority over the minds of their flock—that women are nothing but baby factories and properties of their husbands—that an attempt to control pregnancy is an abominable sin against a cosmic dictator who ordered the massacre of babies in the name of land grabbing, conceit and narcissism.
For centuries, this cruelty has never been so effectively perpetrated by these cretinous men whose sole vocation is to subjugate man for other men—lecherous diseased beings who betray human nature.
I grew up under the “mano” system (the Spaniards call this “besar las manos” or the kissing of the hands)—the touching of the elder person’s backhand to one’s forehead as a gesture of respect. This gesture was appropriated from the practice of kissing the signet ring of the pope by his subordinates and brought by the Spanish friars in the colony to infuse their power over their indio subjects.
So it evolved into a Filipino custom where the act is considered not just a gesture of respect but also a submission to the authority of one’s parents and elders. There was always an instance where I got a fair share of beating from my parents and from my maternal grandparents whenever I failed or forgot to perform the ritual specially when there were visiting relatives and kin whom I haven’t even met. I was told that it was a way to show respect to family and kin and a display of good breeding and how well my elders were training me. Later on, I realized that it was pointless and latched on false respect; that the ritual has done more damage and continued to turn Filipinos into meek and submissive gofers and sycophants. Today, Filipino kids perform this ridiculous practice to extort money instead from their godparents or visiting relatives. Even parents coax them: “O, bless kay ninong, kay tito at tita,” so these people would give money to their kids!
Never once in your lifetime as a Filipino that you have never been expected to give a “blowout” or “balato” (handout)—I consider it “alms” in the appropriate sense of the word—to family and relatives whenever you have accomplished something like being promoted, winning in a competition, graduating with honors or simply hitting the lottery or casino! Those who avoid or refuse to fall into this customary mugging are despised and labeled as “kuripot” (penny-pincher) or “madamot” (miser). Try lending money to a relative and expect not to be paid because they assume you won’t mind because you’re close and related.
If you’re a homecoming balikbayan or OFW on vacation, expect that your relatives are waiting for you to bring them “pasalubong” or gifts. Hence, the invention of the BALIKBAYAN BOX. Not contented, some would still demand for money or treat them to out-of-town excursions.
Imagine struggling all your life trying to prove to your family—your parents specially—that you are a good son or daughter. You turned your back from the things you love or dream to do because you want to please them and be accepted as a “good” child or sibling. There were times when your parents themselves drive a wedge between you and your siblings because they shower more affection and love on them as a reward for their “selfless” loyalty.
It’s terrible to feel being relegated in the back burner because you are not “sacrificing” enough of yourself. It is a distorted morality wherein individualism is shunned and labeled as selfish—that the word “selfish” itself has been morally evaluated as evil. In this culture, self-determination is wrong because religion played a large part in reinforcing this concept—that self-sacrifice for the common good is the highest value; that crucifying one innocent man relieves the rest of humanity of its crimes and guilt; that vicarious redemption is the sole accepted means of salvation from eternal damnation handed down by a cosmic dictatorship.
Christianity has only reinforced the parasitic culture of the Filipino to pass off his responsibility and salvation on another individual or deity for that matter instead of taking hold of his actions and work for self-determination. The dependence on this cultural value is itself a betrayal of free will.
The Filipino’s obsession to please his family and relatives in order to be called “good” and “generous” is the culprit in the endless cycle of parasitism and dependence on the opinions of others—breeding a social and political culture where success is dependent on how efficient one could please and at the same time control and enslave the collective in exchange for acceptance, raw power and wealth.
It is ironic that despite this deeply ingrained tradition of close family ties among Filipino families, most still end up stabbing each other’s backs when they fail to benefit from those whom they depend on. They self-destruct—fighting over common real estate properties or inheritance from parents or positions of power and influence in the corporate and political ladder.
The Filipino’s concept of close family ties gave rise to a tradition not really meant to evoke affection between family members but rather to take advantage and leech on those who are successful; to mooch from those who labor and think; to ride on and claim pride from the accomplishments of others because they are your kin or a “kababayan.” It is a product of mediocrity, laziness, lack of self-respect and a failure to become independent self-determinists.
****
Related links on the topic:
INTRO - Individualism vs Collectivism - httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5cu4CDWbQk&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P1. The Nature and Origin of Human Rights
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q0ENeHVzFyA&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P2. Group Supremacy
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vWJkipc18yg&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P3. Coercion vs Freedom
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TapI5HKd_qs&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P4. Equality and Inequality under Law
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fH9_db-jYDk&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
P.5 Proper role of Government
httpv://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_C1NRJy8H4g&p=ED01CB11183EB88C
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Tags: Collectivism, filipino family, individualism, mano
About the Author
The Gorgon has written 6 stories on this site.
"I turn weak-minded fools into stone."
48 Comments on “On Filipino Close Family Ties”
Sigmund Floyd wrote on 21 June, 2011, 0:13
is it just me or that guy suspiciously looks like ulong pare?
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 1:13 am
There’s an uncanny resemblance…
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kusinero Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 5:45 am
Yeah, but odd it is to say, I miss the guy. I don’t see him commenting in AP for quite some time now.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 7:23 am
He got bored maybe that he had no more “subjects” to troll at :p
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chayo wrote on 21 June, 2011, 4:41
I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but Chinese are the most family-oriented and clannish among Asians. Just because they’re not demonstrative doesn’t discount the kind of fealty they possess, having been brought up with filial piety every step of the way by parents who have kept to millennia-old Confucian values like the importance of the family, the hierarchical structure of family and social life itself, the cultivation of self-restraint and the emphasis on hard work.
Chinese families in general do not suffer parasitism or perpetual dependence among family members. While the family members who have “made it” or better-off are expected to help their less-endowed less fortunate siblings, the help extended is a constructive one. It is not the Chinese norm to give doleouts, which in the typical Filipino view translates to “eating off someone else’s plate.” A big brother who engages in business, for example, would help a younger brother by giving him a job in his company. Little brother has to perform, earn his keep.
Filipino family ties emphasize on the giving of fish rather than teaching members to catch fish.
Chinese are loathe to marry off their children to Filipinos. Contrary to popular belief, it isn’t an issue of money–who has more or who has less. Rather, it’s the Filipino moocher culture that scares them off — Filipino family members suddenly having a well funded and better still, loaded Chinese member for a benefactor–an inexhaustible, indefatigable human piggybank. It’s a grave no-no to Chinese, the typical Pinoy being mentally laid back with a natural predisposition to “bask in someone else’s light” rather than make it on their own that is most unfortunately prevalent in these islands. You can’t blame the Chinese, because they are the epitome of industry, perhaps on par with the Japanese.
Chinese children are raised to continue the family traditions and successes and not the least, the family name. Children are not the “investment” that will yield returns when their parents are old. On the other hand, Chinese kids typically, owing to their in-grained awareness of structure and hierarchy, know their place in the world early in life. The family that supports their financial success is not a mere physical influence, i.e. the availability of family members to help them out. More than having famly around, it’s the values and traditions that are inculcated in them from the moment they could speak that form the consciousness of a Chinese child.
I do not expect Filipino readers to understand what Confucian values are, and so you might not appreciate what I am trying to say here. The typical Pinoy joke is Confucius confuses. Confuse-eus. Right. And so the chasm between Chinese and Filipinos in these islands remain gapingly wide.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 8:32 am
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Chayo. Yes, it is such a misfortune that the Filipino has not learned from the Chinese, whom has a longer period of contact through trade and inter-marriage than the western colonizers. The Filipino’s indifference and xenophobia to the Chinese had been reinforced by the Spaniards to the point that the Chinese were even considered lower than the Catholic indio and the insular Spaniard–it was a strategy the colonial master had to employ and take advantage for fear that a unified Chinese-Indio culture and populace would pose a threat to their authority.
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chayo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:07 am
Thank you for your gracious comment, The Gorgon. I am glad to have contributed something to shed light on the Chinese puzzle.
You’re right; Chinese occupied the lowest echelons of society in Spanish times. Perhaps this contributed to their survival instinct. Outcasts have to do things extra hard. They had to be extra patient, extra industrious, extra cooperative with fellow Chinese in order to survive in a society that gave them no room for mobility.
Filipinos have learned and I believe they silently if not grudgingly admire the cohesiveness of the Chinese family, though application still leaves much to be desired. As a Chinese married to a Filipino, which earned me the title of Black Sheep, I see how my husband’s family struggle to keep up with the demands of life. I am the “inexhaustible indefatigable human piggybank (I am rather inclined to modify it to automated teller machine) I wrote in my first comment. It was a culture shock for me in as much as it grew into a wedge between me and my Pinoy in-laws, which eventually figured in the breakup of our marriage.
My mother in law was fond of saying “sabay sabay tayo sa grasya, sabay sabay tayong magdildil ng asin” with a sidelong glance in my direction. I don’t know about you, but to my ‘alien’ mind that spoke volumes of their expectations of me. I was expected to help out every one of her other 7 struggling children, including their spouses and children (OMG). It’s as if pouring capital into my husband’s business to keep it afloat wasn’t enough; I had to “help” his 7 younger siblings. It was too much for me to take. What kind of help?
My brother in law owed me a large sum of money, money I lent him for his trading business, and he failed to pay me back. Mother in law had the gall to tell me, “tulong mo na lang yan sa manoy mo, kasi talagang naghihirap ang negosyo niya.” That was telling me to simply write it off.
My mother went berserk when she found out my predicament with my Pinoy in-laws. Getting caught between a potential crossfire between races and cultures wasn’t my idea of living my life.
Eventually my husband and I decided to live apart. Anyhow it was nice (gallant) of him to assure me that I needed no more to interact with his family. After all, he knew what it felt like to be caught in his own family’s expectations (ah yes, the investment thing–his family considered me a very good catch). He are stll very good friends.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 7:04 am
Exactly my sentiments and reason for writing this piece Chayo. Too bad your marriage with your Filipino husband had to end that way. I know how it feels because your predicament is not uncommon with other foreigners who are married to Filipino husbands or wives. Marrying one comes with a huge baggage–as in the whole clan of that person will be mooching on you as long as they have every opportunity to do it.
You see, a hundred years ago, the Chinese in the Philippines were starting to evolve from their cariton-pushing-carinderia-sari-sari-tiangge form of business into present day taipans and tycoons while the Filipino is only starting with it and it seems they’re stuck with it!
Joshua L. wrote on 21 June, 2011, 8:06
Great read! This was my favorite part:
“In this culture, self-determination is wrong because religion played a large part in reinforcing this concept—that self-sacrifice for the common good is the highest value; that crucifying one innocent man relieves the rest of humanity of its crimes and guilt; that vicarious redemption is the sole accepted means of salvation from eternal damnation handed down by a cosmic dictatorship.”
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 21st, 2011 at 8:30 am
Thank you, Josh!
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chayo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:53 am
I may stand corrected, but self-determination isn’t considered wrong, like morally wrong. In my view, it’s the insecurity of parents about the prospect of their children abandoning them. More likely, parents want their children around in their old age so that they will be taken care of.
The idea of senior couples enrolling themselves in retirement homes is an alien concept. Thus, holding their children to them by withholding inheritance, only giving them out after death, which is almost sure to generate in-fighting among the children. The Chinese way is to title the properties to offspring prior to death. It saves money as well. Mas malaki ang inheritance tax na babayaran ng mga naiwan, kesa magbayad ng transfer tax habang buhay pa ang mga magulang.
Parental insecurity prevents self-determination in children. Children are considered a guarantee of care in their old age.
Chinese have a different approach to life. It is more like a “pay it forward” approach, that parents provide for children so they could continue the family line, continue the business, continue the culture. What is most important is Chinese parents usually provide for their own old age. That children will take care of them is already assured, because they have given their kids a good start in life–instilling filial piety and pride in culture.
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rubberkid Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 3:29 am
The ‘pay it forward’ approach is what my parents did to me. They made sure we had strong foundations and a good life not because they expect us to provide for them when they grow old but for us to give our kids a good life also.
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Hyden Toro wrote on 21 June, 2011, 12:20
I know a relative of mine who kept his children in one compound…building each of them houses for their families…so that, they will always be near him…Unfortunately, after his death; the children fought over his properties and his businesses. One son, even hired a murderer, to murder his own brother.
This interdependence has some advantages, but it has more of its disadvantage. Truly, this is the cause of our Family Political Dynasties…Political power belongs to the family, only…not to others.
Other people in the community, who are better and can served better, are bypassed. Because; they do not belong to the family clan. The Ampatuan case in Maguindanao, is the best example….Father, sons, family members ruled the Province…
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chayo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 12:34 am
It happens to the best of families, though in-fighting over inheritance is such a shameful thing. Would it not be for the deceased eternal repose that they transfer the properties to their offspring prior? In my family, the titles are already transferred to us by our parents. Walang away, walang gulo, hating kapatid =)
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 6:49 am
These days even well off and professional Filipinos living abroad fight over a common piece of property like an old house left by their parents–suing each other in court. The cost of litigation was even more costly than the actual piece of property being disputed over.
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lo Reply:
June 22nd, 2011 at 8:07 am
Hyden take a look at Japan’s history during the Sengoku era. So many clans were fighting each other. The situation was just as you described with family political dynasties and political power belonging to the family only. But the difference was that there ware actually wars since it happened in medieval times whereas for us in modernity the wars are barely visible.
I think if you look at any nation that has an old and rich history, you would find oligarchical rule.
Perhaps the oligarchical rule of our country now is a result of us never developing “independently”. We were never united from the very start. Only outsiders united us and not by ourselves. Since the Spanish ruled us for 300 years, we were never given a chance to develop and become united by ourselves. Because of living in numerous islands, we were late for the development of civilization. Indonesia had Srivijaya and Majapahit but their islands are very large whereas Philippines’ are comprised of smaller ones with large ones only consisting of Luzon and Mindanao.
China did not exist long ago. It was comprised of different states/nations. One emperor vowed to unite and create China then succeeded. Who knows if Spanish never colonized us, would one kingdom of an island in the Philippines dare to unite the islands? If not then that means the average Filipino is not ambitious and thereby does not deserve greatness.
There was a time we had a sense of unity and being a nation. If Aguinaldo managed to repel the Americans and legitimize the First Philippine Republic, would we be more united and more prosperous right now? Aguinaldo though a cheater was like the First Chinese Emperor for it is said that most Filipinos were loyal to him in the Philippine-American War.
Was the defeat and dissolution of the First Philippine Republic the final blow to a sense of unity for the Filipinos?
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Hyden Toro Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 11:51 am
We can change…if we like to change…adapt to the modernity of our times. Why should the past, justify our ways to live in the present?
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lo Reply:
June 27th, 2011 at 6:56 am
Easy for you to say. If you’re a realist, it doesn’t take much effort to conclude there is no hope for this goddamn country and its citizens for the next several decades. Yes decades.
archie Reply:
July 6th, 2011 at 3:12 am
these parents are paranoid. they don’t want their children to feel the burden and joy of having responsibilities that’s why their sons and grandsons become worms dependent on their patriarch/ matriarch’s savings. this trend will continue as long as filipino parents are so neurotic whenever their children gets small bruises from trying to improve themselves (OMG! my daughter is so hyper she must be suffering from ADHD help me!).
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Lightzout wrote on 22 June, 2011, 13:21
I have no problem in helping out my parents and siblings in need but to be forced to do it cause it’s tradition or I’m obliged to help is out of the question. I do not believe making children as means of releasing me from poverty as it only burdens them and hates their parents more. I’ve already posted this in the AP page in FB and I’m glad this further expanded what I meant.
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Ricky Reply:
June 24th, 2011 at 6:46 am
Quoted – “The Filipino’s concept of close family ties gave rise to a tradition not really meant to evoke affection between family members but rather to take advantage and leech on those who are successful; to mooch from those who labor and think; to ride on and claim pride from the accomplishments of others because they are your kin or a “kababayan.” It is a product of mediocrity, laziness, lack of self-respect and a failure to become independent self-determinists.”
I really don’t mind helping out my parents, relatives or kababayans if I wanted to, but to force me to help them because we are at the same ‘kin’ is a different story…
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Poppy Seed wrote on 23 June, 2011, 1:42
Well written article. A few points taken from Christopher Hitchens. Loved it! ;D
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:59 pm
Than you. Yes, love that take from Hitchens.
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aboy wrote on 23 June, 2011, 12:00
Great article, The Gorgon…
I just recently watched this video from youtube, WOTL: Utang na Loob http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2OUOZK3Hgbg
Swak sya sa article mo sir…
Lastly, it’s good to be back here! @AP
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Thank you! Welcome back
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deo contaoi wrote on 24 June, 2011, 10:26
isa kang jose rizal ng makabagong panahon, keep it up, kung nagising mo ko, marahil madami din pinoy na magigising sa katotohanan. /no1
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:57 pm
Salamat. Paki kalat ang mensahe.
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Buboy wrote on 25 June, 2011, 14:51
Very moving article! Hope this would propagate & continue to inspire Filipinos to change! Mabuhay ka!
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 25th, 2011 at 9:54 pm
Thank you. Please spread the message.
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Dale Kamp wrote on 26 June, 2011, 5:20
I shall share this throughout the web. Thank you for the insight that has always been lurking within my thoughts.
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The Gorgon Reply:
June 26th, 2011 at 8:39 am
Thank you for sharing AntiPinoy’s message.
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charta wrote on 26 June, 2011, 23:31
This just further proves that Filipinos are materialists and consumerists. Even “loving” and “caring” parents are subliminally forcing their children to pay them back what they spent on their upbringing. It’s as if they put a price on their parenthoods.
And of course, the poor, miserable OFW. As if their being away from family is not enough, the family left behind are obliging him/her for expensive goods as pasalubong. Maybe that’s one more bad thing we got from the Japanese, since not bringing “omiyage” or “meibutsu” (both mean “pasalubong” in Japanese) from a long travel is a cultural faux pas for them as well.
And of course, it’s this twisted tradition that gave rise to the countless political dynasties prevailing over the entire archipelago.
When will we ever change?
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Max Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:33 am
are you financially rich?
do you have a happy family?
is your family financially rich?
do you know how to be poor?
just questions.
then rethink everything.
stop stereotyping.
get stats, do some field study.
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:11 am
Excuses….excuses…. Work if you want to get rich. Stop depending on your government and other successful people. Drag and pull your own tail!
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Chabel wrote on 27 June, 2011, 3:55
This is spot on. Nobody dared to write this befor for fear of some backlash. I’ve long been harbouring these sentiments because I was the one from whom much is expected – my siblings gave up on their lives and now have full time jobs as baby makers whereas I, the only degree holder, worked hard through university and now have a high paying job overseas. To this date whenever I call them there would always be mention of money, which is ****en annoying because it makes me feel like a mere revenue-generating machine. I have decided not to give them anymore – I would just enable their laziness and indifference. I just don’t understand why some people are lazy an FEEL ENTITLED OVER OTHER PEOPLE’S HARD-EARNED MONEY. It feels like you’re working for your family 2 out of three days you work. It’s slavery.
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:13 am
Some people really think they have a right or claim on you hard work. Helping is good but to the point of condoning mendicancy and laziness is absurd and wrong.
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ReikaLee wrote on 27 June, 2011, 21:03
Great read!
Also as someone who lives in Palawan, my fiance’s relatives have suddenly begun making “hirits” of vacationing here and expecting free accommodations. Now I don’t mind accommodating his parents and siblings, but his extended family, of course, is a different matter. He would get messaged on Facebook by his cousins which go, “Yay! Makaka-vacation na kami diyan sa Palawan! Ikaw na bahala mag-schedule ha. =)” I also very much cringed when one of his aunts said, “Wow naman! Magkakaron na kami ng kamag-anak na taga-Palawan. May matutuluyan na kami kung sakali.” I just had to nudge my fiance to get me out of that predicament.
Finally, what got my patience to red-line is when I got pregnant and one of his aunts found out, she said, “Ibig sabihin niyan ikakasal na sila! Matutuloy na tayo sa Palawan!” What on earth? Instead of being happy for the baby, mas inatupag pa ang pagpunta sa Palawan. They thought I was gonna invite the entire barangay and throw a beach wedding party.
Then again, it’s part of the Filipino norm to expect free tours and accommodations when you have a friend or family member who lives in a known tourist spot such as Palawan, Boracay, Bohol or Puerto Galera. I’ve just learned to apply “deadma” whenever I hear such “hirits.”
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:15 am
Next time, put a sign outside your house. NO FREELOADING FROM KAMAG-ANAKS.
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cocoy wrote on 28 June, 2011, 12:54
Great article! You nailed it right on the head. But I don’t agree that religion has anything to do with it.
The gist is about the Filipino’s “utang na loob” mentality, specifically towards one’s parent’s/family. It is a Filipino tradition regardless of one’s religion, however, this is not the case for the rest of the world, Catholics or not.
The concept “utang na loob” is anti-christian.
I’ve been observing this twisted tradition in disgust for years, and it all boils down to how 99% of Filipino’s think .
- Filipinos think it’s just right to ask for return since they’ve work hard and toiled for their kids.
- Filipino’s defines a good son/daughter like a Bank, which is by how much return they can get. Think investment, parental slave here.
- The value of a good son/daughter is relative to how much financial comfort one receives on a regular basis.
In essence, it’s like having a gold digger for a partner, the only difference is it’s not optional.
As for me, I really don’t care about utang na loob or pakikisama. I’ll help, but I’m not gonna bleed helping.
It’s a parent’s responsibility to raise they’re children well (not the other way around), so they themselves will be able to raise they’re own children well.
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Max wrote on 3 July, 2011, 8:14
I doubt you yourself is not a fool. Just because you can write something like this doesn’t make you intelligent. My pet ****roach can write too.
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Max Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 8:44 am
i think you are single, or you don’t have children, or you have them but you don’t really. or maybe you are gay.
you grew up in a rich but dysfunctional family. or in a poor family and your parents didn’t do anything to give you education so you did it for yourself.
bitterness, i see in you.
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:04 am
Are you a homophobe? What is wrong with a self-made gay person?
That person deserves more respect because being poor and gay, he was able to support himself and get a good education instead of depending on his useless family or rich relatives. Why? Did this article splintered a nerve in you? Butt hurt much? The truth hurts isn’t it?
Stop living like roaches and demanding for more free lunch in a welfare state. Kick the bucket if you want to give your country a big favor, moocher!
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arthur Reply:
July 3rd, 2011 at 9:42 am
No he can’t, I just flattened him with my size 12 shoes!
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tsutsugamushi Reply:
July 4th, 2011 at 3:17 am
No wonder you have penchant for roaches because you are the BIGGER ROACH.
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archie Reply:
July 6th, 2011 at 3:49 am
max is one the monkeys that the friars commanded to troll the net. open you brain and appreciate the articles that want nothing but to enlighten our moron country
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Joselito Ramone wrote on 5 July, 2011, 23:04
Thanks for writing this, Gorgon.
But I second what cocoy said: “‘The concept “utang na loob” is Anti-Christian.”
2 Corinthians 9:7 (NIV) says “Each of you should give what you have decided in your heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver.”
I dunno if this is off-topic, but I wanna share this story.
Back in my high school days, they had a yearly fundraiser that requires us to ask, no, BEG, for money from complete strangers, so that the money will be used to improve the facilities of the schools (AC units, sound equipment, misc. other bullcrap). Everyone, as expected (from my observations, Filipinos are a predictable lot), blindly followed these directions. I had the balls to say “no”. Why? Well, that’s what’s the tuition fee’s for, right? “Everyone else paid P40,000+ for a frickin’ tuition fee, and they’re still short on budget to provide us with AC units for our classrooms?!” The moment I said that, everyone crabbed on me, saying “wala kang pakikisama”, including my class adviser. But I stood by what I said: I never gave any money to that fundraiser, kahit sinkong duling.
What if I did give in to my crabby classmates, and solicited money from people just to shut them up? God would definitely be pissed off at me. And the last thing I wanna do is to piss off the Guy who created me.
Because, as His Son said, “God loves a cheerful giver.”
Thanks for reading my wall of text. Peace, everyone.
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archie wrote on 6 July, 2011, 3:07
i disagree to some of has been written but more on the side of approval. sad to say our country has been a horde of monkeys following every roman catholic’s orders that we don’t like to improve ourselves at all. i think giving financial support to family members who have been sick, victims of natural disasters can be justified, but feeding their beaks with worms without them raising their lazy wings are subject for shotgun bullets. and that bless the ninongs and ninangs ritual? disgusting logic on saying that if you don’t kiss their hands you’re an outcast. with that “balato” and “handa” system, i myself despise that kind of norms. they put our birthdays in the office bulletin board, and it became semi-mandatory for us to celebrate even if the low-rankers with small salaries have literally nothing left for them the next day (but i don’t celebrate my birthday with those mother****ers, screw them all)
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Dark Passenger wrote on 12 July, 2011, 23:43
I think self-sacrifice for the common good isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Problem is, Filipinos tend to twist the meaning of “the common good” into something called “pakikisama” for their own selfish ends.
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