Balitang Kutsero
By Perry Diaz
ILLUSTRATION BY DAVE SAN PEDRO
My good friend Joe emailed me the following story:
One Saturday afternoon, an aide to former President Gloria Arroyo visited the Bishop of Cebu.
He told the Cardinal that President Arroyo would be attending the next day’s Mass, and he asked if the Cardinal would kindly point out the President to the congregation and say a few words that would include calling her a saint.
The Cardinal replied, “No. I don’t really like the woman, and there are issues of conflict with the Catholic Church over some of her views.”
The Cardinal thought about it and said, “Well, the church can use the money, so I’ll work your request into tomorrow’s sermon.”
As the aide promised, President Arroyo appeared for the Sunday worship and seated herself prominently at the forward left side of the center aisle. As promised, at the start of his sermon, the Cardinal pointed out that President Arroyo was present.
The Cardinal went on to explain to the congregation, “While President Arroyo’s presence is probably an honor to some, the woman is not numbered among my personal favorite personages. Some of her views are contrary to tenets of the Church, and she tends to flip- flop on many other issues. President Arroyo is a petty, self-absorbed hypocrite, a thumb sucker and a nitwit. She is also a serial liar, a cheat, and a thief. I must say President Arroyo is the worst example of a Catholic I have ever personally witnessed. She married for money and is using her wealth to lie to the Filipino people. She also has a reputation for shirking her obligations both in Malacanang and to the whole country.
The woman is simply not to be trusted.”
The Cardinal concluded, “But, when compared with First Gentleman Mike Arroyo, President Gloria is a saint.”
# # #
“Friends of Gloria Arroyo ‘unhappy’ with doctors,” says a news report. Yep, they’re unhappy cuz the doctors rarely give updates on Gloria’s real condition. I assigned my investigative reporter James Macaquecquec to check it out. After a few days of sleuthing, James sent a text message that says: “Gloria is suffering from Malingeritis.” I called James to explain. He said, “In layman’s term, Gloria is suffering from a terminal case of ‘malingering’… and apparently, there’s no cure for it.”
Titanium implant… When they operated on GMA, the doctors discovered that the titanium implant they used was second hand. After an intensive investigation was conducted, it was discovered that the supplier was Mike Arroyo!
Laughter is the best medicine… One of Gloria’s doctors said that after Gloria’s second surgery, “she looked very sad.” The doctor said that stress — whether “stress of surgery, emotionally, and mentally” — might have made Arroyo more prone to infection. Well, what could be more stressful than what Mike did to her? The doctor said that what Gloria needs is “cheering up.” But how can you cheer her up when there are six plunder cases – so far — filed against her? Okay, Gloria, I’ll cheer you up. Ha ha ha…
Iggy and Mike
‘Treatment’ abroad… Gloria’s legal spokesman, Raul Lambino, said his client was in “critical condition” and would have to seek treatment either in the United States or Singapore. Now, I can see where this “malingering” thing is going — medical “treatment” in the U.S. or Singapore and “rehab” in Portugal… which could last a lifetime. That would be the closest thing to fulfilling Gloria’s dream of “life in the enchanted kingdom.”
Good news, bad news… After hearing that Gloria’s doctors recommended that she seeks medical treatment abroad, P-Noy said he’d allow her to go. “If the medical doctors find it necessary and the Arroyo family would request it from us, I think, as a humanitarian gesture, of course,” said presidential spokesman Edwin Lacierda. Well, that’s the good news.
Mikey
The bad news is that Gloria’s attending physician Juliet Gopez-Cervantes denied that they recommended Arroyo to seek medical treatment outside the country. When Gloria’s lawyer-cum-quack-doctor, Raul Lambino, was asked on TV about his earlier pronouncement that Gloria was in “critical condition,” he denied saying it. But Raul, you were taped saying it! Which Raul was lying? Raul, the lawyer, or, Raul, the quack doctor? Ayayay! Si Raul oh, talaga!
Rumor abounds… I wonder if there’s truth to the rumor that Gloria and Mike were in Portugal several weeks ago measuring the windows of their soon-to-be home in exile in Portugal. Interestingly, Portugal doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the Philippines. Now, the “big picture” is getting clearer.
Pabaon… “Former President Gloria Macapagal Arroyo got an advance of P98.6 million from the Presidential Social Fund (PSF) one month before stepping down from office last year,” says a news report. I guess Gloria thinks that if her generals were entitled to a P50-million “pabaon” – or going-away gift, as the commander-in-chief, she’s entitled to a “pabaon” twice as much. That kind of “pabaon” could buy a lot of Swiss cheese.
Dato and his Swiss knife… Some years back, the media interviewed Gloria’s younger son, Diosdado Ignacio Jose Maria Macapagal Arroyo, who goes by the moniker of “Dato.” Dato said that travel was his passion. When asked what he always brings in his travels, he said: “Swiss knife.” Could it be that he meant to say, he always brings home a Swiss knife from Switzerland? I understand that some banks in Switzerland give Swiss knives as “pabaon” to valued customers.
Gloria’s three stooges… While Gloria was battling Malingeritis at St. Luke’s Medical Center in Taguig City, her three stooges were abroad for various reasons.
Mike… Her husband, Jose Miguel “Mike” Arroyo, was in a Hong Kong hospital complaining of Type 1 Malingeritis, a mysterious heart condition that flares up every time the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee investigates him.
Mikey… Gloria’s older son, Juan Miguel “Mikey” Arroyo, was in San Francisco, California enjoying la dolce vita in the air-conditioned City by the Bay while awaiting trial in Manila for tax evasion.
Iggy… Mike’s brother, Ignacio “Iggy” Arroyo, is still in a London hospital undergoing treatment for Type 2 Malingeritis, a rare disease that affects his liver every time the Senate Blue Ribbon Committee investigates him and his brother Mike.
Quack-quack… With Gloria’s three stooges abroad at the same time, it would have been a perfect timing for Gloria to leave the country for medical treatment abroad. Indeed, she almost pulled off the “Great Escape” had her lawyer Raul Lambino proved that he is a doctor licensed to certify that Gloria’s condition was critical. But as it turned out, Raul was just a quack-quacking “quack doctor.” C‘est la vie!
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