When we think of the various things that constitute the bare minimum of necessities that we require to sustain our all too brief sojourn on this planet, good food is certainly foremost among them. And yet, in the midst of the undoubted superabundance of prosperity in the alleged First World, we find ourselves more troubled than ever by reports of our allotted span of years being prematurely shortened by inferior food.
How is this calamity possible? And why is it permitted? These are questions for a much longer article. In the meantime, here’s a list of the ten foods that will shorten your life. Caveat emptor, and bon appetit!
1. Doughnuts
And so it was that the men in the white lab coats at last came for Homer Simpson. Yep, doughnuts, Dunkin or otherwise, are listed at the top of the ten foods that are most likely to shorten the number of your days above ground. Feel like going for something glazed? Maybe crunching a cruller? Big mistake!
These tasty ambassadors of the Grim Reaper are filled with the usual culprits (sugar, hydrogenated oils, white enriched flour). But they also contain more than their fair share of acrylamides. These noxious substances are created during the frying process and seem to be especially handy at causing cancer in rats.
In conclusion, don’t eat anything, ever, again. It’s just not worth it to open your mouth, only to stuff it chock full of political incorrectness.
2. French Fries
Anything with potatoes in it is pretty much out. So sayeth our benevolent public servants in ye olde white lab coats. The latest casualty is french fries (freedom fries in Libertarian parlance). Not only are they deep fried, but they’re also manufactured using the finest quality hydrogenated oil.
And, as every medical expert from Dr. Oz to Dr. Doolittle has assured us at one time or another, the more trans fats in our blood cells, the greater risk of heart attack, stroke, and imminent, certain death.
3. Bacon
Yep, it’s official. Scientists hate us. Again, it’s those dastardly cursed nitrates that are to blame. The human stomach digests nitrates in a very odd way, converting them into Nitrosamine, a chemical that has been proven to be a carcinogen. The way the bacon makers (and the FDA) get around the whole hullabaloo is that nitrates don’t become Nitrosamine until they hit your tummy and begin to do their merry dance of death. A yummy, yummy dance of death, to be sure.
4. Potato Chips
Thanks to slack FDA regulations that permit manufacturers to shore up every bit of food with hideous chemicals that seem solely designed to kill us, they’re certainly succeeding.
So the word is that potato chips may soon come equipped with a doozy of an additive: Asparaginase, a drug that has been used to combat leukemia. However, the list of side effects associated with this drug reads like a hypochondriac’s bible. Consider yourself warned, and start checking the list of ingredients on your next bag of sour cream chips.
5. Fish
Fish, those nefarious deep diving denizens of the sea, are fifth on the list. To be fair to our fine finned friends, it’s no so much their doing as our own. It seems that we’ve polluted their watery home with so much mercury that they’ve naturally adapted by storing up unnaturally high levels of this dangerous substance in their bodies.
As a result, after poisoning their habitat, we harvest and consume them and…yep, poison ourselves right back. Admittedly, there’s more irony than indignation in this particular addition to the list. But “I’d rather be fishing” still sounds more inviting than “I’d Rather Be Poisoned With Enough Mercury To Shore Up A Thousand Thermometers”.
6. Microwave Popcorn
It seems that the main trouble associated with microwave popcorn is in the butter substitute that most brands of this distressingly convenient and handy invention contain. According to recent scientific studies, most microwave popcorn brands use a chemical called diacetyl. This ingredient has been linked to severe respiratory and lung issues, some of them resulting in fatalities. Err, so don’t pass the popcorn on movie night. Bake a cake?
7. Alcohol
Alcohol comes in high on the list as another major life shortener.
8. Red Meat
Of course, red meat comes in for its share of abuse. Hamburgers, steaks, and the like are perennial culprits behind all manner of ills, from elevated blood pressure and obesity, straight up through heart attack and stroke.
No matter where you turn, scientific and medical experts are determined to make us feel guilty for loving a good cut of beef.
9. Processed Meat
The aloof, frequently Green party voting, experts who publish these sorts of lists have a strong animus toward processed meat, i.e., store bought hot dogs, pepperoni on pizza, etc. According to them, eating large quantities of processed meat not only builds up unhealthy entities, such as nitrates, in your system, but also contributes mightily to the aging process.
It’s also unfortunately true that a too robust consumption of such meats will tend to pack on the pounds, particularly if you don’t get your rightful share of exercise. Walk it off, people!
10. Soda
Sugary carbonated soda is a major menace. A recent study concluded that a daily dose of your average twenty ounce fizzy drink contributed to a whopping 4.6 years of extra aging. According to the same study (who asked them?), that’s the same amount of premature aging a person can expect from a life time of cigarette smoking.
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