People Who Regularly Masturbate More Likely To Be Managers, Survey Claims

BY : CAMERON FREW ON : 27 AUG 2019 15:01

As if you needed another reason to choke the chicken or flick the bean – masturbating could actually help your career prospects. 

That’s according to a new survey from Univia, which claims those who indulge in a bit of regular self-love are more likely to become managers.

For the survey, 1,012 people were quizzed on how often they play five-on-one, as well as their job habits.

Lonely Island/YouTube

Good news: if you spend time with Palm and their five sisters at least once a week, you are more likely to excel in the workplace in every regard.

As reported by the Mirror, Univia explained: 

They were more likely to be employed, more likely to hold management positions, and more likely to earn higher salaries.

Not one to regularly engage in a five-knuckle-shuffle? Well, Univia found in their research that infrequent wankers earned an average salary of $44,006 (£35,876), while those who jack off, or indeed jill off, once a week earned $47,076 (£38,381) on average.

E4

It sort of makes sense: if you enjoy polishing the pearl or bashing the bishop, the researchers say it could lead to a boost in self-confidence.

Univia added: 

The boost in self-confidence that masturbation was previously shown to cause may be one major contributor to higher paychecks, for it can take a certain amount of confidence and bravery to ask your boss for a raise.

In other words, masturbation may be correlating with the self-confidence boost needed to ask your supervisor to pay for what you deserve.

The study found that those who regularly shake hands with the milkman were eight per cent more likely to ask for a raise.

Relativity Media

Taking part in a bit of hand-to-gland combat is something employers have started to value: in 2018, a British firm started offering employees days off to wank away.

Are you slacking in the masturbation department? Not reaching the once-a-week quota? Take Matthew McConaughey’s advice in The Wolf of Wall Street: ‘You gotta pump those numbers up. Those are rookie numbers.’

If you have a story you want to tell send it to UNILAD via story@unilad.com

Cameron Frew

After graduating from Glasgow Caledonian University with an NCTJ and BCTJ-accredited Multimedia Journalism degree, Cameron ventured into the world of print journalism at The National, while also working as a freelance film journalist on the side, becoming an accredited Rotten Tomatoes critic in the process. He’s now left his Scottish homelands and took up residence at UNILAD as a journalist.

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